Friday, August 29, 2008

How to choose a President: look at their VP choice

An announcement came across the wire this morning regarding McCain's running mate. After a moment's hesitation, I scroll downward. Expecting to see Mitt Romney's puss in the body of text, I was surprised to see this one instead:

I was thrilled. You see, even though I'm a Against The Wall Democrat (that's someone who votes Democrat because the Republican candidates are horrific...and in the case of our current President, amazingly idiotic), I've always been a fan of John McCain. Over the years, I've learned to respect his ideology, his combat experience and his generally rational statements. And when I opened up this news report to see his VP candidate and to my surprise he picked Tina vote instantly went to him.

Reading on, I discovered that the photo was not, in fact, of Tina Fey. This is Sarah Palin (any relation to Michael?), a 44-year old first-term Alaska Governor. She is also a member of the NRA, a self-proclaimed hockey-mom, likes to hunt, eats Moose burgers, likes to ice fish, ride snowmobiles (did I mention she lives in Alaska?), and has admitted freely to using marijuana (when it was legal in Alaska) but said she didn't really like it. She also came in second place in the Miss Alaska pageant.

Palin is married to a native Yup'ik Eskimo and has five children. Todd, her husband, is a commercial fisherman and champion snowmobiler, winning the "Iron Dog" race 4 times. Her eldest son is enlisted in the US Army and is currently serving his country in Iraq. Palin's next eldest son has Down's Syndrome.

I find her background utterly fascinating. This is the kind of candidate I would have liked to see Obama pick. Instead, he picks Joe Biden, who...while a respected Washington, well, a respected Washington Politician. I expected more of a radical choice for Obama. Someone who could work with the President, rather than continually trying to overshadow him. AND get this: Mr. Attack Dog Biden is going to look like an a-hole bully when trying to slam her when they have their debates. At the same time, he'll look like a wuss if he goes easy on her. I love this.

I have yet to make up my mind who to vote for (like it matters...I live in Massachusetts. Obama's pretty much got a lock on this commonwealth). Initially, I wanted to vote for McCain. Then he totally ruined his chances with me by indicating that he would, essentially, carry on where the Bush administration left off. I mean, come ON, McCain! What is wrong with you?! Make your own mark in history and help bring our country back to the greatness it entertained prior to the Bush years. If you were following the worst president in US history, wouldn't you just disavow him and make your own plan? McCain could continue what was going on...just DO NOT MENTION BUSH. Obama is for change, and therefore it looked as if I was voting ATW Democrat again.

But now...stop the presses. If McCain does pick Sarah Palin for a running mate, it will totally give me pause. This is the kind of politics I like: something unexpected and positive. I mean, she's like a model Republican. But you know, that's okay. She also seems like a normal person...something that Joe Biden stopped being decades ago.

Mr. McCain, please: just denounce the moron Bush and his administration and I'll be happy. With Bush's approval rating history being the lowest of a sitting president ever, there's no drawbacks to this idea. Formulate a withdrawal plan for Iraq, redeploy troops after Bin Laden, bring home the rest and start rebuilding the economy and chip away at our unbelievable deficit. In other words, pretend you agree with some Democratic principles just for once. It's the right thing to do...

Mr. Obama, please: Biden is an attack dog and has been fairly proud of that fact. I cannot see how his rhetoric will help you. He's currently preaching to the converted. If you sent him over to the RNC and had him outside on a soapbox attempting to convince people to turn around, then okay. But you won't and he's frankly just not helping your positing. Hillary would have been a better choice for you, Mr. Obama. You might as well picked Senator Simon and his little bow ties. Damn, even John Kerry...but if there's time, dump just Biden.

Although if your other choice is Al Gore, Biden's fine.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Okay, someone explain this to me

Check out this news report from the DNC:


Marion man charged with attempting to throw feces at DNC
By Associated Press Thursday, August 28, 2008

DENVER - A Massachusetts man in Denver this week during the Democratic National Convention is facing charges of attempting to use a feces-filled bottle as a weapon.

A Denver County Court complaint indicates 22-year-old Zachary Patrick Grey of Marion, Mass., was arrested Monday following a foot chase.

The Denver Post reports Grey dropped the bottle while he was running, but that police said he was getting ready to throw it.

Grey said the bottle contained coffee with soy milk, not feces. He said he wasn’t protesting anything at the time he was arrested.

The Denver City Council passed an ordinance earlier this month barring protesters from carrying feces for use as protest material during the convention.

This is absolutely hysterical, and in the true sense of the word. Especially the last line indicating that this action was indeed a possibility and they needed a specific ordinance.

Never mind possible armaments...throwing poopoo will NOT be tolerated.

Does the ordinance also bar other items of interest from being thrown? What about mud that looks like poo? Can you throw poodles? If it was proved that Mr. Grey did indeed only have coffee & soy milk in that container, will he be set free? Coffee with soy milk is perfectly legitimate to throw at presidential candidates. Whole milk? Nuh jail for you. 2% milk? You just have to wipe Bill Clinton's "tears" after he mouths "I love you" to Hillary. (btw, he really just said "Olive Juice"...try that in a mirror).

Anyway, if you haven't yet already checked it out, go over to "I ain't no Oprah"'s blog to check out his photo commentary on the DNC. It's pretty damned funny.

Enjoy the day. No poop for you.

Monday, August 25, 2008

bottom 8 things at the beijing olympics

why only 8 you ask, mostly because i'm to lazy to do 10

8. bmx introduced - don't they have the x-games or something like that
7. baseball and softball are leaving - yes because usa dominance means silver
6. stab-o-rama
5. lip syncing live performances - now who'da thunk
4. bob costas - nuff said
3. suuuure she's 16 - didn't that argument work for a kennedy as well?
2. baton dropping - insert any appropriate baton dropping joke here
1. jimmy page - oh how the mighty have fallen (and grayed for that matter)

Friday, August 22, 2008

National Pride and the Olympics

Let me start off by saying I thought the opening ceremonies to the Beijing Olympics was one of the most creative and spectacular I've seen. I only nodded off once...and for that, I deserve a Gold. That dude running along the perimeter of the "bird's nest" to light the torch was very cool. And he didn't even fall. The fireworks were breathtaking. I don't even care that they were computer generated. What I don't get is replacing the little girl singer with a cuter one that lip-synced her ugly counterpart's beautiful voice. Why not just give her a computer animated makeover?! I guess Chinese technology only goes so far.

This year the media focus of the Olympics seems to have been on three different topics: Michael Phelps, the age of certain gymnasts and the lengths that China will go to look really damned good to the rest of the world.

Michael Phelps is being called the greatest Olympian since Zeus. He is by far the greatest swimmer I've ever seen...and believe me, I've seen TONS. Some people are birdwatchers, I'm a swim watcher. Swimmers are...oh, forget it. I can't keep the charade going. I know nothing about swimming other than it's a neat way to keep from drowning. Now, Mr. Phelps has won more Gold medals than any other person thus far. He's won more than many countries, for goodness sake. Even though normally I couldn't give a crap about these swimming events, I too got caught up in the hype and was cheering him on, chanting "USA! USA!" in my living room. Watching him prior to the races was also cool: this dude was relaxed, listening to rap on his iPod, hanging out. This is a hero the USA has been waiting for in the Olympic arena.

Then something happens: after Phelps crushes his opponents, he is inevitably interviewed by some blond dingbat who squeaks out questions between gushingly embarrassing comments. And Phelps then smiles and answers. Here is where the American Dream has become a nightmare. Phelps looks and sounds completely uneducated. It's no surprise that his teammates call him "Gomer" after the brainiac on the Andy Griffith Show. Fortunately, our television sets come with a "mute" button on the remote. One press, and the American Dream resumes.

With the interstitials capping off the countless commercials, we've come to see China as a truly beautiful nation. No sarcasm here. It's really unbelievable, and thanks in part to their hosting the Olympics, I would love to vacation there and see what is undoubtedly one of the most breathtakingly historic countries on our little planet. Now, that being said, China has really gone the extra mile to make themselves look really good to the rest of the world. I can't say I blame them. Who would want to look at their home country on television and think, "Man, what a crapheap!"? Part of me believes this is national pride, but mostly I believe it's the Chinese government wishing to prove their innate superiority over the western nations. Hey, maybe they are better than us...but then again, how's that smog doing, Beijing? Just checkin', thanks.

Part of the 'national pride' edict is that they win more Gold Medals than anyone...even if it means cheating to do so. Yes, I'm referring to the age of their gymnasts. Does anyone doubt that these girls are under 16? I didn't think so. Should we be surprised at this? I didn't think so. If this is a country willing to substitute a cuter kid to lip sync, fake fireworks and suppress any mention of smog...why not go one step further to ensure you get the gold? Obviously the swimming medals are going to go elsewhere.

I can't help but wonder about the other athletes in the competition: does it bother them that China is cheating them out of medals or does it get to them that they're getting their butts kicked by prepubescents?

One last comment and then I'll shut up: I've heard that they are removing Women's Softball from the Olympic Games. Yet, they're keeping: badmitton, water polo (come ON. How the frig did this become a sport for the's goofy), and team handball. Actually, the latter kinda looks cool. Like a cross between basketball and soccer. Except, well, I dunno. Is this a sport that should be saved over Women's Softball?

One more last comment: Men's basketball...I'm probably the only one in America who thinks that the team should go back to being Amateur athletes. It's not the embarrassing domination the team's the incredibly huge egos that are even apparent in still photographs. Yes, you're good. Just go home to your mansions and shut up.

Monday, August 18, 2008

From the Silver Screen to Your Computer Screen: Tips on How and Where to Hide

"Relax! This is an impenetrable disguise."

1) Suits of armor and haystacks are awesome hiding spots. Invest in one or two of each and have them with you at all times.
2) Follow the rules for impenetrable disguises. Remember: A fake beard can be a false friend; do not use one that will come off as you eat your soup. Also: If you are disguised as a veiled princess, do not accessorize your outfit with flowers that will make you sneeze and blow off your veil--this is especially true for you menfolk.
3) Do not stand behind a long, lush velvet drape with your shoes sticking out unless you have a secret desire to be shish-kebabed with a sword.
4) Do not hide in the closet, under the bed, in the basement, or in the shower. These days, nine out of ten of your garden variety super-villains and maniacs are regrettably savvy.
5) Rather than hiding, sometimes it is a good idea to freak out super-villains and/or maniacs by running towards them yelling, "I love you, man! I love you!" Of course, only do this if you are a heavily-armed, bitter cop with a fondness for alcohol and nothing left to lose.
6) Look, if you really must hide in a wicker market basket, please make sure that there are many wicker market baskets surrounding you. Note: One wicker market basket standing all on its own in the middle of a town square is known as a "maniac magnet."
7) Mid-chase, it can be fun to dive into a round, metal garbage can that tips over and starts rolling down a hill. I think you can do the math on this one.
8) Do not hide in the hay loft of a barn. You know that the villain and/or maniac will walk in and say, "I know you're up there, now come on down before I have to come and get you." Strangely, this sounds like something your mother would say. But, the villain and/or maniac is not there to call you in for supper. No, he is not. Avoid the barn altogether.
9)Ladies, let's keep those blouses buttoned up. He's there to kill you and the likelihood of him taking a break to check out the goods is lets face it, slim to none. Unless you have more than two or they light up, I say keep the blouses closed. (Sarah)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

The NFL season...and do I care?

For those of you who don't know, I am a tremendously huge New England Patriots fan. I often check eBay for Mosi Tatupu jerseys. I TiVo every NFL game, but rarely will I watch the Patriots live. I cannot bear commercials while watching my favorite team play my favorite sport to watch (I prefer playing baseball, if you're curious). I read about the Pats and the rest of the league as much as possible and have been considering taking my love of the game into the realm of Fantasy Football.

Now, the 2007 season was a remarkable time to be a Pats fan. Going undefeated every week, records being smashed...all in the wake of that ridiculous videotaping 'scandal'. The greatest NFL team in history. But does all that matter if they lose the Superbowl to that other Manning who looks so green he should be playing for the Jets? You DOES matter. In a big, big way.

The Patriots losing the Superbowl had a profound effect on me. At one time in my life, the Patriots coming away with a loss wouldn't have been a surprise. The Bears. The Packers. Both heart-breakers? Not quite. A bummer? Absolutely. But hey, we're New England sports fans. With the quadfecta of Pats, Sox, Celtics and Bruins all losing with such regularity that we couldn't even take a win without tearing it apart in analysis.

But now: the Patriots were coasting into history. The biggest game of the careers of those who eat stressful games for breakfast with a side order of humility. And they lost. Big time. I was waiting for the clutch play to bring us back, once again, from the brink of disaster. And this time it just didn't happen. I literally snapped my television remote in half as time expired and the television showed Michael Strahan's canyon-sized tooth gap and Manning's hayseed face.

To the rest of the country, this was the greatest game in history. Biggest upset ever. The Evil Empire falters against all odds. Luke fires the proton torpedoes without the use of the shipboard computer and manages to destroy the Deathstar. And he even looks a little like Eli Manning.

Even now as I write this, I am throughly depressed. Seriously. So heartbroken that I find myself not even wanting to participate as a viewer in the NFL season. I had vowed that I would never allow myself to become so emotionally involved with the Pats, the Sox or even the US Olympic team. After all, I need to watch the ol' blood pressure.

So here we are at Preseason. In a few weeks the season will begin. I haven't watched any games as of yet. Even my TiVo has been set to tape the Olympics, preempting football. I still cannot figure out, for the life of me, why it matters so much. After all, I do nothing in the participation of the sport other than as a spectator. Where did all these emotions come from? Are they learned behavior? Well, in a way, yes: my father is the exact same way. But he's still going to happily watch the 2008 season whereas I'm still debating. How on Earth do I get to the point where I can view this game on a television and enjoy the spectacle, win or lose?

I'm curious to hear your thoughts.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Welcome to news and comment

Boston trades Manny Ramirez to the L.A. Dodgers. You know, I'm going to miss the "Manny being Manny" excuses they used to give for all of Ramirez's antics. Actually, no I'm not. I thought I would miss Nomar, Pedro, Damon. Manny stays, Manny goes, replaced by good hitter from the Pirates with the personality of a sand dune. You know? Ultimately, I just don't give a crap.

There is, in fact, water on the surface of Mars. This is undeniable proof that not only is there the possibility of life existing on Mars, but there is an ancient civilization there waiting to be discovered. The Martian society will have been so advanced that they will have solved many of our primitive Earthly troubles, like the Ozone, Oppression, Obama and I Ain't No Oprah.

Ratings of Best-to-Worst chain restaurants. Actually, this list is pretty much right on the money. Enjoy!

Obama and McCain say the other started the negative compaigning. Oh dear God, what is wrong with them? Or me, for even dignifying this as news rather than what it is: some pathetically infantile school-yard push fight. That sound you just heard was a massively huge jaw-breaking yawn.

Clone Wars movie to hit theaters soon. You know, the animation looks like a PS2 videogame. I have no idea what artistic concept they're going for here, but man, it just looks ass. Maybe it's the greatest Star Wars movie of them all (there are twigs with little tiny leaves on them which make better movies than the last three Star Wars movies, so not a stretch there), but I'm gonna pass on Lucasfilm's latest attempt at making a two hour animated commercial for new toys.

World's oldest recorded joke discovered. Told back in 1900 B.C. Loses something in translation, in my opinion.

Reuters has spelling errors...just embarrassing. These are bugs, not bands...and there is a difference in spelling. S***heads.

This is Mulderjoe........................good day!