Wednesday, December 30, 2009

2009: A year in review. Big whoopdeedoo.

I know I haven't written in a while. Sue me. Been too busy doing utterly mundane activities. I'm writing now, so get over it. Or don't...either way is fine.

As 2009 comes to a close, I thought it would be interesting to take a look back and show that hindsight is 20/20. Or something.

President Obama Takes Office
Ding Dong, Bush is gone. I cannot tell you how happy that made me. Mr. Obama's first full year in office has been tumultous, but overall not too bad. I mean, the economy's recovered, we're no longer occupying any countries in the Middle East and Osama Bin Loser is safely behind bars. Cough.

Michael Jackson Passes On
The world mourned the passing of an undeniably talented friggin weirdo.

Windows 7
Microsoft released it's apology for Vista. Mac owners could care less. XP users are still giggling.

National Health Care Reform
Another way to not reduce the National Deficit. I found it extremely interesting that Mr. Obama decided that this was the number one priority for the country instead of repairing the economy or getting the troops back home. I'm thrilled that millions without health care will have access. After all, it's a right not a priviledge. Right?

Somehow, we're still at war with several countries. Does anyone remember that? No. We're more concerned about the winner of "American Idol"'s album sales. Why on Earth are we still in Iraq? Someone explain that to me. And at the same time, why haven't I heard anything about hunting down the Taliban? Priorities, people. We could reduce the National Debt tremendously if we were not waging some moron's war in Iraq.

H1N1: a flu of swine
Does anyone else think that the rampant use of hand sanitizers is going to make the population inevitably sicker? We'll find out sooner than later, I expect.

Twitter me this
Social networking sites Twitter and Facebook are so massive that they are not only infringing on popular culture, but also business; companies are trying hard to capitalize on their employees' time wasting. (yes, I will be posting a link to this post on Twitter and FB. If for only the irony).

Miracle on the Hudson
Not really a miracle. Captain Sully is just one of those rare people who prepares for all eventualities. Keeping cool under pressure, though, that should be applauded. As well as his non-fame-seeking attitude. That's the miracle: a humble hero.

This dude made off with billions and ended up destroying many people's lives. He and Dick Cheney should have lunch.

Obama Family Dog
This was an amazing news story. Amazing that it was considered news. My doggie died last Oprah.

A-Rod uses steroids?!
Who gives a crap.

Tiger Woods
Mr. Woods is perhaps the greatest golfer of all time. AND he can have the seemingly boundless energy for all of these affairs?! Damn. I expect to see him running for President in 2016.

That's all for now. I wish you and yours a Happy New Year. 2010 should be interesting. Maybe even interesting enough to "blog" about.

Toodle pip.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Nike Resumes Relationship with Vick

You know where I'm going with this so read on or don't. Don't care. But, for what's it's a newish parent who is trying to teach the relationship between actions and consequences and ethics and values....this kind of thing makes me burn like the pilot light on an oil rig. I might release a bit less CO2 but I'm still full of anger.

I'll keep it short...we'll no longer be buying or supporting Nike in our house. You want to use a serial killer of animals for your product spokesperson. Fine. Go ahead.

Seacrest out.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

More sports hijinks

I guess I'm not as apathetic as I thought. I've decided, after viewing the 60 Minutes Michael Vick interview, to no longer support 60 Minutes. Formerly a strong voice in the world of television journalism, they are dead to me. What could've been an interesting, compelling, and revealing interview turned out to be nothing more than a puff piece.

CBS's efforts to protect its' football interests clearly trumped 60 Minutes' desire to educate and illuminate. I have contacted them and told them this. More importantly, I'll no longer support the NFL, in any way, shape or form. Bad news for my football fan husband but I can't in good conscience support an industry that would hire, enable and reward this man.

Mr. Vick might have gone to prison and "paid his dues", however
the sickness that drove him to torture animals is still present and yet 60 Minutes glazed right over his inhumane behavior and questionnable choices. "A man is the sum of his actions, of what he has done, of what he can do, Nothing else." Mr. Vick remains a danger to animals and to humans just as any other serial predator be it a molester, killer or otherwise. Shame on 60 Minutes for participating in this TMZ/Entertainment Tonight type of journalism. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Mr. Hewitt really died of shame.

Shame on the NFL for continuing to support, enable and reward not only Mr. Vick but an embarassingly long list of other killers, rapists, wife-beaters, and convicts.

If you really love football, go outside and play the game. If you really love football, stand up and let the NFL know that what they are doing and what they have done is wrong. Let them know that their actions and their choices matter and that you won't let them lionize and reward people that you wouldn't let into your home if they knocked on your front door.

A brief excerpt from the NFL Crimes blog:
August 13, 2009
If you can suspend players for violating the substance abuse policy when taking a legal asthma medicine, it is about time you suspend players for KILLING SOMEONE while driving drunk Goodell: Stallworth suspended for season, placed 'stain' on NFL, players

August 5, 2009
Eagles' starting DE Parker arrested Wednesday

July 24, 2009
Texans FB Vonta Leach is arrested for misdemeanor assault.

July 23, 2009
Seattle Seahawks fullback Owen Schmitt has pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of reckless driving Wednesday, his attorney said, according to The Seattle Times.

July 22, 2009
A Philadelphia man who says he was shot by NFL receiver Marvin Harrison last year remains in critical condition

July 15, 2009
A federal judge Wednesday sentenced former NFL player Travis Henry to three years in prison for financing a drug ring that moved cocaine between Colorado and Montana.

July 9, 2009
Former Bills/Redskins star Bruce Smith was convicted of drunken driving Thursday by a judge who rejected his claim that old football injuries, not alcohol, were responsible for his poor performance on field sobriety tests.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Steroid hunt - ignorance is bliss?

I don't know if I'm disappointed in the news that David Ortiz tested positive for PEDs in 2003 or if I'm po'd at the source of the leak- the New York Times. Let me have my ignorance - I don't want to know anymore about this. I was OK with the way the Sox were/n't playing these days, and I don't want to feel less love for Ortiz. Why did the media do this to me? Why did I let them do this to me?

ON THE OTHER HAND...if the New York Times and the Associated Press are going to expose players in the way they have, busting Rodriguez, Bonds, Manny, and Sosa one at a time, they had better not stop there. They had better give me the names of the others on that 100 name list of theirs. I want them all! Let's exploit them all!! Let's put them on Dr Phil so they can talk it out and get to the raw nerves - really dig to the heart of the steroid scandal. Maybe then we could focus on the game again.

Friday, July 24, 2009

you say tomato, i say potahto

So, I'm starting to think that it's not that I'm cynical but that I'm apathetic. Are the two mutally exclusive or mutally inclusive? You decide because I don't care.

Why all the fuss about Pres. Obama and his poorly thought out involvement in the recent Gates-gate? I would've said "RacistCopvsAngryBlack-gate" but "Gates-gate" has a funny ring to it. So, I decided to sit on the sidelines for this one. Why you ask? Or don't ask. I don't care. Well, in roughly 3.5 years we'll have a new chucklehead in the Oval office and Gates-gate will have blown over. The party of the first part will insist he was right and the party on the right will insist he/they were right and... yawwwwwwwwwwn. I'll just go and take a nap. You tell me what I missed, ok? You tell me how this is different then Bush coming to the defense of his oil friends. Wake me when it's over.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Nothing's shocking...

French tourists seen as world's worst: survey

Thu Jul 9, 6:06 am ET
PARIS (Reuters Life!) – French tourists are the worst in the world, coming across as bad at foreign languages, tight-fisted and arrogant, according to a survey of 4,500 hotel owners across the world.
They finish in last place in the survey carried out for internet travel agency Expedia by polling company TNS Infratest, which said French holidaymakers don't speak local languages and are seen as impolite.
"It's mainly the fact that they speak little or no English when they're abroad, and they don't speak much of the local language," Expedia Marketing Director Timothee de Roux told radio station France Info.
"The French don't go abroad very much. We're lucky enough to have a country which is magnificent in terms of its landscape and culture," he said, adding that 90 per cent of French people did their traveling at home.
"So when they're on holiday they can be a bit stressed, they're not used to things, and this can lead them to be demanding in a way which could be seen as a certain arrogance."
French tourists are also accused of generally spending less than other nationalities when abroad.
De Roux said the French, not accustomed to leaving large tips at home where a service charge is automatically levied on restaurant bills, can seem "tight-fisted" compared with other nationalities.
The Japanese ranked top of the Best Tourist survey, with the British and the Germans judged the best of the Europeans.
But French tourists received some consolation for their poor performance, finishing third after the Italians and British for dress sense while on holiday.
(Reporting by Joseph Tandy; editing by James Mackenzie)

Say no more.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Simon F'n Cowell

Every day, the media gives us all the bad news...the worsening global economy, more layoffs and more unemployment claims, home foreclosures, threats of war from North Korea, JBS Swift Beef Company's huge meat recall, the death of New Zealand palentologist Joan Wiffen...and the list goes on and on. America is closing down shopping malls, car manufacturing plants, banks, and restaurants because people aren't spending money like they used to.

And yet, Simon F'ing Cowell has been offered 144 MILLION DOLLARS to continue his role as judge on American F'ing Idol.

Are you KIDDING ME? 144 million dollars to say "you are absolutely horrible" 2000 times. Come on!

Now, I am not a fan of American Idol. As much as it showcases talented singers, it's run by big corporations who don't give a fig about music or talent. They own the world at large and brainwash the millions of consumers (aka fans) who watch the show. Paula Abdul, Kara DioGuardi and Randy Jackson are all drugged and fed their lines by Simon F'n Cowell. They can't think original thoughts. They just read teleprompters. I can't even go for the pre-season show featuring the William Hungs of the world. This is Star Search on Steroids! American Idol is the DEVIL, Bobby Boucher!

(note: somehow, selections from "Hung for the Holidays" have been downloaded into my iTunes. I blame Bob).

I feel better now.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Taxachusetts Redux

Governor Patrick hints at gas tax hike

Governor Deval Patrick signed a budget yesterday that imposes more than $1 billion in additional taxes, and did not rule out a higher gas tax.

This is why people voted for Bill Weld and then kept a Republican in office for a looong time. You can darn well bet that history will repeat itself if the current governor keeps bleeding the people. Not only will Democrats bear the brunt as people turn their backs on the party, but this will impact the state for a very long time. The exodus of talented, smart and nearly broke people will continue because they can't afford to live here.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Taxachusetts, once again.

Today, Massachusetts governor Duval Patrick signed a state budget that cuts local aid and increases the state sales tax from 5% to 6.25%. The budget cuts a ton of government programs but does give about $4 billion for education funding and restores health care for 30,000 legal immigrants.

I'm somewhat at a loss over this. On one hand, yay budget for education. On the other hand, HELLO? This is not a good methodology for increasing consumerism in the commonwealth. Here I am, cash-strapped normal middle class doofus with surprisingly little extra cash to help stimulate the economy. But, I still need to provide for my family, so purchases are not uncommon. However, I can very much say that I will be doing a significantly higher percentage of my business online with nationwide vendors who do not charge sales tax. Not because I don't want to help out my community, but because I cannot friggin afford not to anymore.

You want to get us out of this dilemma? Try DEcreasing the sales tax. This will inspire more consumer activity. Don't believe me? One weekend a year Massachusetts has a "no sales tax" event. Quite obviously, that is a huge deal and tons of revenue is earned by all parties. Now imagine that we drop the sales tax to 4%. Not a huge number, but enough for some jerkoff like me to actually go to a store rather than go online or to New Hampshire. I believe that this would be a common perception and our economy will sustain more of a boost than increasing taxes.

Example: Walmart is a tremendously successful corporation. They garner small profit margins per item because they can rely on volume. Tweeter, Etc, an esoteric electronics chain, did the opposite. Small volume, high margin. Take a look at where both companies stand today.

Friday, June 26, 2009


Another amazingly astute headline from What gives? This paper was a giant, a notable in the field of journalism. Ok, it was never The Washington Post or The NY Times. But lately they've hoisted themselves to nearly the top of my "absurdists" list.

They aren't quite the NY Post but is that day coming?

Hosed Again

Poor Farrah. First it's cancer. Then, her death is the top story for a blink and then along comes Michael Jackson and his oxygen challenged status. Poor Farrah.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Jon and Kate minus Jon and Kate

You know, normally I would just give this little news item a pass and read it only in order to cure my insomnia. But for some reason, the news of Jon & Kate from "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" separating and filing for divorce really irks me. I cannot help but wonder how their fame and subsequent egos got in the way of something special that they had.

Jon is a henpecked husband. At least, that's what the media says. When my wife was expecting our twin sons, we watched this program together. Jon wasn't henpecked then. Kate was bossy, but she wasn't as overbearing as Victim Jon is making himself out to be today.

Has Kate become more unbearable as the series has gone on? I think so. I think she believes her own hype and that has lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy of the demise of their marriage.

Is this her fault? Is this his fault. They're both to blame. Jon feels emasculated on national television, and there's no coming back from that.

Kate is like an employee who gets promoted to management over fellow employees and turns into an asshole boss. The allure of perceived power without the ego-check to keep yourself ultimately on track.

As everyone's saying, this is just terrible for the children. I agree completely, but probably not for the same reason you're thinking. When your life is filmed for a television program, you give up certain pity-rights. But before, this show was inspirational for new parents who sometimes feel overwhelmed (at least in my case). Now it's turning into some sort of drama where the focus has turned from the cute kids to the fighting parents. And something that should be a private matter is now very public and it's going to be with the children for their lives.

Probably in a 5 DVD box set. Also available in Blu Ray.

Friday, June 19, 2009


Pilot dies on trans-Atlantic flight

Wife of pilot: He was in "perfect health"

Monday, June 15, 2009

Once again, Waco, TX amazes.

I'm not sure if you've heard, but recently Bill Nye ("The Science Guy") gave a lecture in Waco, Texas which had an interesting moment:

McLennan Community College
The Emmy-winning scientist angered a few audience members when he criticized literal interpretation of the biblical verse Genesis 1:16, which reads: “God made two great lights - the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.”
He pointed out that the sun, the “greater light,” is but one of countless stars and that the “lesser light” is the moon, which really is not a light at all, rather a reflector of light.

A number of audience members left the room at that point, visibly angered by what some perceived as irreverence.

“We believe in a God!” exclaimed one woman as she left the room with three young children.
Forgive me if I'm wrong on this point, but I never thought believing in God and accepting truths about science to be mutually exclusive. Evidently, there are parts of this country (and indeed, the world) where this is not the case. Utterly, completely remarkable.
To quote (reference, really) Bill Hicks, I hope people know that evolution did not stop with the development of opposable thumbs. There is an evolution of the mind that should be occurring with the growth of the human race. Perhaps it's just me, but I'm thinking that the reason so many churches fail and the doctrines waaaay too antiquated is because they're no longer relevant. Time to evolve, people.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Pet Peeves redux

Please feel free to add your own:

1) People that pronounce robot, "robut". BOT BOT BOT.

2) People that do not use the very conveniently laid out sinks in a rest room. This goes especially for you, prostate dude. You know who you are.

3) Celebrities who really, truly, honestly believe their opinion matters. Smell that? It's sarcasm, Mr. Cruise.

4) Mixing languages to make you sound more intelligent (see title for example).

5) People NOT writing about themselves on Facebook. For fuck's sake, FB is a place built on the narcissism of it's users. In for a penny, in for a pound.

6) Companies using new, hot, trendy social networking sites for business advertising. Get the hell off my Twitter page, Chrysler.

7) Giving someone the benefit of the doubt. I can't help it myself. More often then not, I get burned. That's why it's a peeve.

8) Stupid ass terms like "pet peeve".

9) Motion pictures termed "indie" cannot be reviewed negatively. That is such horsepoo.

10) The concern of our president's race. I'm more concerned with his policies than his skin color, and I cannot stand the people that focus only on his race, youth or partisanship.

11) People who honestly give a crap over Microsofts new operating system and how Mac or Linux is so much better.

Monday, June 8, 2009

I can't find my favorite chapstick, not the one I left in my pocket whose life ended in my dryer, but my other favorite chapstick.

I blame terrorists

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Fine. Here's a post for ya.

For the most part, I have been pleased with President Obama's reign. I believe he's the guy that actually means it when he says, "The buck stops here". But when the buck stops, it seems that Mr. Obama will then go ahead and give that money to GM.

I understand that we are in a catastrophic financial time. I am aware that our economy needs stimulus. What I do NOT understand is how helping a large American auto maker which has been consistently producing sub par products for decades. 30 billion dollars. Someone needs to tell the powers that be that Japan and other countries have soundly beaten our companies with superior products. Let's put a DNR on this.

Explain to me, someone, how will this help the economy? I am extremely sympathetic towards the employees of GM and the other banks which have received stimulus money. But come on.

Can we please look to give money to middle-class Americans? The middle-class is responsible for keeping the market economy going. What about giving the middle-class 30 billion with the expressed directions to spend this money? Would that get the economy going faster than giving that money to an American dinosaur?


Let me know when someone posts something cynical.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

the last taboo

OK, so let me come out of the last closet here. The very last closeted and hated minority. I am an Atheist. This disqualifies me from ever becoming president, unlike being black or a woman. It is not a closet that I come out of lightly. I spent 8 years in Catholic school with real penguin nuns who smacked my knuckles with a ruler. Well actually they had Richard Armour, the biggest kid in the class do the duty as they supervised, I guess to have "plausible deniability". They were STILL responsible. Anyway after a bunch of years as an agnostic, I've made the plunge. Now I must admit that god talks to me more than most people. When I'm baking cookies and one falls on the floor, that is the creator of the universe telling me to eat a cookie. Otherwise, the messages are less specific and this is because they are not coming in. And they are not coming in because no one is sending them. There is no god. Nobody really gives a shit about your life except for your mom, and she might only care because of how it reflects on her. Create your own identity and meaning, read some Sartre. Be good to people. Do not judge (no one wakes up at 12 years and says "Crack whore! that's the life for me!"). Near as I can tell, most people are doing the best they can with the resources (financial, emotional, etc.) that they have. This includes your parents. So forgive them as you do yourself, there is no permanent record. The only person that gives a shit about you is you. Make it worthwhile!

Wow! I can blog too!

Just Checking to see that this works. Check out the Pelican Inn in Marin if you get a chance, Worth every penny!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Just what the eff is going on?

So last night after I got home from the Outer Limits (it's a store, not a state of mind. Although, that's arguable, too), I went inside to hang out with my in-laws. Sometime between 8:30-10pm someone shot a hole in the back window of my new car. Barry, my awesome brother-in-law, discovered the damage and helped me clean up the glass. I called the Police and they filed a report.

Noone else's cars were damaged. Just mine. If I were paranoid, I would assume someone was out to get me. But as far as I know, I'm all good with the world. I began to wonder: just was IS it with me and cars? In 2007, my car was parked in the same spot and got smushed by a giant oak tree. Quite naturally, I had just paid it off the month before. Sigh. This is less catastrophic, but still just as annoying.

If karma is a real thing, hopefully it will catch up with those utter bastards and smother them in their sleep. Okay, maybe a bit harsh. But hey, I'm totally pissed.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

A song I'm working on

Hi. I'm working on a new song and could use your input. Here's what I have so far:

It seemed like a good idea at first
A good way to catch up with family and old friends
Get some sense of how the class of 88 was doing
Before the High School reunion Thanksgiving weekend

A few applications later and I was spending lots of time
Sending plants and flowers to my green patch friends
And checking out fan sites for bands like Incubus and Sublime

Poking people and getting poked back
then the super pokes turned into snowball attacks
I listed my favorite books and movies and rock and roll bands
I even made a piece of flair - a button of a picture of 2 baby hands

I can't take anymore - I'm done
FaceBook is no longer fun
I'm tired of wasting my life away
Living in this virtulal world every day

(You know,) I have something like 268 friends on this thing
and I'd prefer to see them all face to face
Not seeing them for over 20 years hasn't really knocked me into
a bad emotional space
It's good to know how your story went on after our high school days
But I spend so much time waiting for comments to my comments,
It's a wonder I haven't gone crazy!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009


You know what I hate? I hate that a manager can be completely disrespectful and speak to you in such a derogatory manner, but you can't reply in turn.

So here is my cathartic way to combat this:
1. Hit reply and delete their email address.
2. Next proceed to compose the nastiest most hate filled email you can possibly think of (swearing and name calling are permitted)
3. Re-read fake email twice if possible adding other nasty comments where needed and or applicable.
4. Finally hit the red X and say no to saving a copy
5. Proceed to write email so sugary sweet to said Manager that they contract diabetes and are dead within a month.

My One Non-Cynical Post

This woman can sing. This warms all my cynical little cockles.
Youtube won't letcha embed this so pls bear with me and visit the link.
It's Susan Boyle on Britains Got Talent 2009.
Even Simon Cowell, the biggest cynic out there, looks touched, amazed and surprised and...happy.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Texas lawmaker says Asians should change their names

This is just priceless. On Tuesday, a Texas State Rep. said during House testimony on voter identification legislation that Asians should change their names because they're too hard to pronounce. Read the article with priceless quotes here

Three quick thoughts: 1) Aren't there more than enough Billy Bob Joes running around already; 2) Didn't all the call centers in India already try this? (Note: Just because your name is Mary doesn't mean that I can understand a single thing you're saying.) 3) How does assuming a false identity help with identification?

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Today's Headlines

Check out the upper right hand corner of this pic.
Why is noting the passing of Kurt Cobain and asking "where were you?" As the anniversaries of these notable dead junkies roll by, has USAToday asked what we were doing?  Lenny Bruce, Chet Baker, John Belushi, John Bonham, Tim Buckley, Tommy Dorsey, Chris Farley,  Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Heath Ledger, etc. etc. 

KC created music that had an impact on our generation but, so what?  Robert Smith (of The Cure) has inspired 2 entire (goth) generations and he's still walking the Earth. There are many other who have influenced generations and they don't shotgun themselves.  

So, I ask, why is this junkie's passing being noted? Anyone? 

Next. Note the upper right corner of this image. Kosher coke is flying off the shelves because it's made with real sugar and tastes a million times better than Coke made with high fructose corn syrup. Which leads me to much more expensive is sugar than HFCS? If the sales of KC are that great, why won't Coke just make the real thing with real sugar? 

Why do companies go to great lengths to find, create and use chemicals that replicate things that are easily found/readily available?  

One more thing...note the article about the study on kids impacting marital bliss. Someone commissioned a study on this topic? Why not also commission a study on how the following impact marital bliss: job loss, serious illness, and a death in the family impact

Do any of you,  that still have jobs, find that you have time for Facebook, My Space or Twitter?
Just wondering

Friday, April 3, 2009

Another Tip Top Gov't Agency At Work

I'm perusing national news and see this headline:
Rocket fuel chemical found in baby formula
CDC: Could exceed safe levels if mixed with water containing ingredient


So I read on: 
"Traces of a chemical used in rocket fuel were found in samples of powdered baby formula, and could exceed what's considered a safe dose for adults if mixed with water also contaminated with the ingredient, a government study has found."

I stop reading because I immediately ask myself:
"Is there ANY amount of rocket fuel that is safe for adults?"

Is it me?  Am I the only one that also thinks:
1) Where is the FDA? Why aren't they doing anything to protect us?
2) Why is the CDC investigating this? 
3) Again, where the heck is the FDA? 

I read on and find a few more nuggets.
1) "No tests have ever shown the chemical caused health problems..."
Gee, maybe because no one has ever studied humans ingesting rocket fuel because, gee, it's not a food or beverage.

2) "The government requires that formula contain iodine, which counteracts perchlorate's effects."
Did the manufacturers and the government know about this and rather than fix the problem, they found a workaround? 

3) "The researchers would not disclose the brands of formula they studied."
Excellent.  Another government body NOT helping the American people. What purpose does the CDC serve if they aren't going to help the very people who they were hired to protect?

This story comes just about a year after the story where melamine was found in infant formular. Melamine is plastic. Valuable and highly collectible melamine jewelry is all the rage. Melamine is also used to fake Vitamin B. Nice. Good job FDA!  And people wonder why autism rates skyrocket (not tying the 2 together  - just making a point that we are poisoning our children and then wonder why they are sick).

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

What was I supposed to say!?!?!

Crazy Lady,

A couple of changes I needed to make to this form:
1. When we spoke yesterday I meant replace the current dummy IQL from the template with your INQ. In order for the code to work correctly it should look as follows:
CRM_IQ_1: [[#if 50130687/415_50130687_416 T]]entersecretcodehere[[#endif]] CRM_IQ_2: [[#if 50130687/415_50130687_417 T]]entersecretcodehere[[#endif]]

2. You had no group listed. The group refers to the tactic you’ve chosen to execute your Campaign Element. In your case it should have read: DME-Direct Mkt Email

Your form has been published; please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with.

Thanks Sarah. I know about the group list, but I didn’t see a field to populate that info on the form. It’s helpful to have that ‘How To’ for Accela considering I didn’t know half the stuff on there.


Warm Regards,

Crazy Lady

Crazy Lady,

The hidden field in AccelaWorks for the Group is labeled Group. You might actually find it helpful to check out our sharepoint site, you can find the link by accessing SAP, web links and How to Guides. The very first PDF contains a training video, and there is a link for an Accela Training video.

Seriously! WTF was I supposed to say? The effing thing is labeled Group how in the world could she screw that up? This Crazy chick has been driving me crazy all week and it's only Wednesday! urrrrrrrrrrgh

-Secondly she's making ME sound like an idiot. I'm the one who trained her AND sent her the training guide 6 months ago when I trained her! It's not my fault she decided not to use her training in the last six months until Friday!

Monday, March 30, 2009

More Fluff, But Cynical Fluff

A thanks to Neil Gaiman's blog, as this is where I cribbed it from.

I'm not sure if my favorite part is the big screen display of a screaming baby or the clock hands that rotate crazily.

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

Thursday, March 26, 2009


It seems our cynics are busy or slacking or off elsewhere so here's some filler 'til the bile builds back up.
   Side notes:
     Note who the letter is from.
     If you just want to hear the song, skip to 3:00.
Enjoy or not. Don't care.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

But they had time to do this....

They couldn't take the time to create policies to prevent the financial crisis, but they are making time for this:

The bill would impose tax on bonuses given to employees who earn more than $250,000 at any firm that received more than $5B in bailout funds/


Thursday, March 12, 2009

Palin-Johnston now just Palin

Ok, so this is old news already. Heck, it was old news before it happened. But the cynic in me is quietly enjoying the breaking off of the Palin/Johnston engagement. The non-cynic in me is very relieved for Bristol Palin (and baby whathisname).

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Terrorist list hits 1 million

From USAToday "The government's terrorist watch list has hit 1 million entries, up 32% since 2007."

I'd like to add a few entries.
1) All the writers and the director of Heroes. What they've done to that show is criminal.
2) The corporate big-wigs who canceled every show I ever liked: mostly the execs at Fox
3) The person who decided to close all the Krispy Kremes in MA
4) All the airlines who charge for luggage, peanuts and water
5) The guy who decided we should all work a 5 day work week - now THAT's terrorism
6) My co-worker (this fits several so I won't name names)
7) My co-worker who doesn't speak English as a first language. NO ONE can understand him. If the gov't were to take him to a foreign detention center, no one would miss him. He's also a crap employee.
8) Rove
9) Cheney 
10) Putin
11) Thomas Friedman - simply because he's annoying and egotistical
12) Garfield & Jim Davis - anything to make him stop
13) Most of the current SNL cast
14) Our governor IF he increases tolls AND the gas tax after promising to not do both
15) Any politician who wants to legislate morality and insists on merging church and state
16) Benjamin Franklin because he dreamed up DST
17) Bush because he increased the duration of DST (see earlier post)

Pls add to the list. I'd like to hear from ya'll.

Oh...forgot to add:
18) The Fantastic Four - so unbelievably lame
19) This group of actresses for crimes against humanity for awful, terrible, horrible acting: the girl who played the new Jamie Sommers, the girl from Twilight, the girl from Dead Like Me, Kelly Osbourne, Jessica Alba, Paula Abdul (just because)

Monday, March 9, 2009

Daylight Saving Time - a crock o' malarkey

I. Hate. DST. 

Don't hand me your pollyanna-bs "OOOO, we get more sunlight".
HEY EINSTEIN - we're going to get more sunlight anyway. The earth's turning in such a manner that the amount of daylight we'll get,  will INCREASE anyway. 

DST has NOTHING to do with it.

DST is a bunch of hokum that only serves to increase energy usage - don't believe me?   Here's the proof, Puddin':

oh... and this one:

Does the eensy-bitsy-teensy-weensy bit of energy conserved make up for the # of people who experience cardiac events and car crashes as a result of the DST change?

Skeptical?  Check it out:

Blame it on Bush.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I wasn't always like this

It's true. I wasn't always cynical. I was a pretty happy-go-lucky kind of kid. 
But you know, life just sort of wears you down to a nub.

Things like this just seep into my soul and blacken my innards:
I belong to/volunteer with a multiples group. I admin their forums. These forums are super helpful to the members so I get something from that. Ultimately, I like to help people or see people being helped. But every once in awhile, a newly pregnant person joins and I admin their account and sign them up to receive the group's daily emails. Then, out of the blue, usually early on in their pregnancy, I get the "this person has unsubscribed from your group."

I know what that means. It's terrible and sad and tragic. 

I got one today. This is what puts the day-to-day nonsense of what I do for a living (clearly I am not curing cancer) and the ridiculousness of my co-workers into perspective. Quit your whining. There are larger things at play here. It's what hardens the core of my cynical nature. 

Don't mind me standing over here off to the side.

I'm     just    waiting    for     the    other     shoe     to      drop.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

For Joe

Dear Friends,

I have just read and signed the online petition:

"Fruit Brute Petition"

hosted on the web by, the free online petition
service, at:

I personally agree with what this petition says, and I think you might
agree, too. If you can spare a moment, please take a look, and consider
signing yourself.

Best wishes,


For the record this cereal looks disgusting...

Monday, March 2, 2009

Wait. WHAT'S the secret ingredient in my Skippy?

My teachers were hippies, wanna-be hippies, and recovering addicts. The actual hippies called us “little dudes” in a joyful way—of course—and slowly glided through life in a delighted haze of discovery that was pretty fun for a little kid. They drove Volkswagon buses and beetles and wore personality-asserting belts—macramed, Rolling Stones belt buckles, chain link, cowboy. We’d skip off with ‘em to find math in nature, they taught us yoga, they told us to “mellow out” when hissy fits and fisticuffs broke out—that kinda stuff, along with readin’, writin’, ‘rithmatic. It was all, y'know, "cool". Some of us took to wearing little peasant blouses and whatnot. The only thing that scarred me permanently was the mandatory daily “sharing circle,” during which I usually tried to hide in the corner reading “Asterix and Obelix.” (NOTE: Many years later, when I was deeply entrenched in corporate America, I found that the organizational consultants who are paid $150/hour to come in and “fix things”—a much higher salary, it is to be noted, than my earnest hippie teachers—ALSO love to force people to engage in “sharing circles.” No Asterix and Obelix” books were available. More’s the pity.)

The wanna-be hippies tried to be groovy, bless ‘em—like central casting beatniks on an episode of Dragnet—but their smell (aqua-velva, not patchouli) and crisply ironed slacks always gave them away. For some reason unclear to me at that time—although now I believe it had to do with dealing with kids without the benefit of smoking a buffering joint before work—they seemed more tense. Beyond tense were the trembling, skittish recovering addicts who were teacher’s aides and playground monitors. Usually related to a superintendent or an assistant superintendent, they spent their work time huddled in a remote corner, Styrofoam coffee cup clenched in a shaking hand, staring at us in horror and, doubtless, watching monsters crawl out of our heads. I asked my grandmother about one once, and she darkly muttered: “That’s why you should not smoke the drugs. You’ll jump off a building or end up like that.”

But. I. Digress.

“Reeve,” a fairly tense wanna-be hippie with an extremely high-maintenance handlebar moustache—his eye tic flared up when Billy Demers mocked said moustache by pasting one on himself with construction paper—taught us social studies/history, and one day he told us allllllllll about food safety. Too much about food safety. It was the “Scared Straight” of eating. “I worked in a factory once one summer,” he began, “and I saw things noooobody here would want to see…” His voice was scary and deep. His handlebar moustache bristled with significance. If we’d been squatting around a campfire he would have held a flashlight under his chin to “make the spooky face.” “My job,” he continued, “was to kill the rats that ran in and over the food piles in the factory.” He paused. “Yes. THAT’S right. IN and OVER the food piles that go into the food that all of you and your moms and dads and brothers and sisters eat.” His voice rose, “I killed MOST of them,” he said, “but of course, SOME of them got into the food. And, the federal government allows a certain amount of rat parts to be in such foods as peanut butter and insect nests to be in other items. If there were really truth in advertising, your jar of Skippy would have ‘rat skulls’ on the label.” Then, he handed us all copies of Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” and told us “Ladies and gentleman, I am about to blow your minds.”

My grandmother became very angry with Reeve because I pretty much didn’t eat for a week during the food safety unit—just an astronaut food stick every now and then and some candy because I determined these to be the safest food groups. While it prob’ly did me good—I was a chubby little heifer—as a grandmother, she was concerned. Plus, I think she got fed up, so to speak, with me grimly repeating Reeve’s “food safety unit catchphrase”: “You never know what lurks beneath the surface. Never assume you know. YOU DON’T KNOW” as I hovered over her in the kitchen as she was trying to make supper. Eventually, she started replying, “I DO TOO, know. It is macaroni and cheese that I made with macaroni and cheese. And applesauce—that I made from apples, sugar, and cinnamon. That teacher isn’t the ruler of the world, you know.”

Eventually, we finished the unit. And, I apparently willed myself to forget everything I learned. If I hadn’t, what would I be eating today? Hydroponically-grown lettuce and the dew from grass grown in a very special part of I don’t even know where would be pristine enough? The whole “peanut product scandal” of ought nine has reminded me of Reeve, his factory rat-killing duties, truth in labeling, and the somewhat lackluster efforts of the FDA (here is more than you want to know and please don’t read it Any day of the week, peanut butter is still allowed to have some “special ingredients.” And, even amidst all of the pricey “Organicing” and “Whole Foodsing” of America, a buncha people got sickened and killed by…smooshed peanuts?

“Food. Safety.” Huh. Color me cynical about food safety—again—but from a decades different vantage point of “Oh, well, something’s gonna kill me, might be this sandwich, might be that bus.”

*On a whole ‘nother topic, I read a nutritionist’s advice re: how to eat economically and healthfully in the paper last week (supper for less than $2.00! Guess what! Beans—what a shocker!). She said that people should eat “fruits and vegetables from cans,” because they were most healthful. Holy cow! All my life, it has been the other way around. I am pretty sure that advice for canning your own foods and Victory Gardens will be in next month’s paper. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that I’m increasingly reminded of my grandmother’s stories of the Depression—a feeling that was reinforced when I read yesterday that more people are going to the movies now. MY PREDICTION: Hollywood musicals are finally gonna make their comeback.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A dearth of soundbytes

Ok, so I'll admit right up front here that I watched only the first 3 minutes or so of the President's address last night. But apparently that was long enough to hear the only soundbyte to be replayed on the Today show this morning. I find that a bit worrisome. Really. A 50-minute speach and the only part worth replaying in its entirety was said in the first 3 minutes?

And what did he say? He said, in effect, we're going to come back from this. Well, no kidding. We're all working mighty hard to make that happen. Boy am I glad I didn't stay tuned for the other 47 minutes.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Toll hikes, stimulus packages, and other super fun news items

President Obama got his stimulus bill signed, sealed and will soon be delivered. How? Well, you should see a decrease in your income tax from your paycheck. That is, if you earn less than $200,000/year (too bad, IANO).

That is all well and good. I'm up for any sort of tax break I can get, especially with this economy. Now, living in Massachusetts, we're not out of the woods by any means. Even with this Federal Income Tax break, we still have our Commonwealth's debts to pay. For example, the Mass Turnpike tolls have just been raised (the vote just passed as I write this). How much? Well, that depends if the governor gets the state tax on gasoline raised. If that bill passes, then the toll increase won't be as harsh. But the gas tax could be as much as 19 cents a gallon.

See where I'm going with this?

While I appreciate the government's attempt to help me while simultaneously paying their bills, it's just hard to see anything as a stimulus plan. It's more like an offset plan and they got the math wrong.

If you want to slash your deficits, there are other ways to get this done. Pull our troops out of Iraq and put that ridiculously enormous budget into combating the debts this country owes. That's one. The other is consumer confidence. Stocks rebounded today when Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said the recession may end soon. Isn't that just...astounding? Stocks rebound after Bernake said the recession may end. May end. Soon. No real specifics. And lookit that: Wall Street responds. Ben, couldn't you have said that just a wee earlier? Sheesh.

Consumer confidence in the market economy is the only real way we're going to climb out of this recession. Stop giving bailouts to home buyers who can't pay their mortgages. Cruel? Heartless? Let me tell you: there are so many more people out there that stay under the radar, quietly working their asses off to pay said mortgages, and they aren't receiving dime one for a job well done. What do they get? A home to live in. It's not a right, it's a privilege and those quiet Americans who do pay their bills vastly outnumber those who got scammed by the Adjustable Rate Mortgages.

You want consumer confidence? Show some respect to those Americans who pay their bills and, let's face it...ARE the consumers. You want the economy to rebound? Show some respect and cater to those who WILL buy products and bring the whole thing back into the less-red (black is probably a bit optimistic). Everything relies on not reality, but the perception of reality. Just look at the reaction to Ben's statement and tell me that's not the case.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I just have to deal, I guess

This whole economic crisis is starting to harsh on my mellow. Lots of people are running around all paranoid about job security and where their next paycheck is going to come from. And I don't like it. Not one bit.

Who is next to lose their job? Me? My husband? You can't tell who it will be. There are lots of big companies announcing plans to lay off huge chunks of their workforce. Oh gee, that's GREAT! My boss (I mentioned her in an earlier post...the HR Director of Doom) doesn't really keep me in the loop about all of the big evaluation and review meetings currently going on behind closed doors under the cone of silence or whatever. Whenever she passes by, she gives me a fake smile that screams "I know something you don't know and I'll never tell you and it could include you and you won't know until it's too late but I know you know that I know something..." Har dee har har. Thanks a whole freakin lot. Not as if I don't feel insecure enough about the company's welfare, now you have to throw this fear at me. I swear she does this on purpose. Go ahead and do it, HR lady. It's the only power you have. Still, it's more than I have.

My husband is also worrying about his job security. His company has another round of layoffs happening at the end of the month. He's going to start bringing some personal belongings home now just so it won't be a big mess if he does get cut. Isn't that thoughtful of him?

I know...I'm worried over something that hasn't happened. This is what's harshing on my mellow. I don't like the fact that I'm doin this. I don't know about you, but I don't see the economy turning around any time soon. I keep hearing that it's going to suck for a long time. There are people who will never know what it feels like to be worried about job security and who are all set with money and property and they are "all set". Me? Not so much.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sunday afternoon hobbies

Sunday, a balmy 50-ish degrees (F), the snow and ice are melting for now, what to do?
So the little lady and I talk a walk "down and around", a brief less-than-a-mile-rt, into the town center and back. Warm by any standard we've seen as of late, but there is a chilly edge creeping into the insistent breeze blowing in from the North - ah, the sub-freezing temps will be upon us again by nightfall. As we stroll along, we are presented with a social conundrum. This takes shape in the form of a guy, probably mid-late 20s, "sleeping" in the doorway of a low rise apt. building that graces the fair boulevard known as "Main St" (It is WEST main, were this the hinterlands of EAST main such a sight might not be so unexpected, but WEST Main, oh my stars, call homeland security please.)
To set the scene, it is 2:00 p.m. on a fair Sunday afternoon. This is a small town, truly small town, and to run across such a scene here is nearly as likely as seeing a helicopter land in the middle of the street. This fella is appropriately clothed for the day, with a reasonable jacket, and jeans, but the zipper of his pants is at an unflatteringly low ebb, and the jeans appear somewhat "wet" - instinct says "wet" in a very regrettable and unintentional way.
So my wife and I stop no more than a step or two past the fella, and we begin to confab on next steps. "Is he okay?" Well, his face is a ruddy red, as are his sockless ankles, and a 30-second stare reveals a slight heave of his chest.
OK, he is alive and the general appearance of things make this all look self-inflicted. Now what? Police HQ is only 100 yards away, so rather than try to wake the "wet" fella with a carefully placed hand and gentle shake "Dude.. Dude.. are you OK?" we decide the constabulary are best suited for the situation.
Before we get 50 feet an unmarked cruiser* comes our way and we flag it down. It's an officer I know (because I'm a model citizen - those other days are many years past), so I lean in the window, point and describe what we've seen.
He asks me a few questions, thanks us, and drives over to the spot.
We stay and watch from our vantage point. No more than a minute has past and an ambulance is rolling to a stop. By the pace & demeanor of the EMTs and the officer, this is not a desperate situation, and they commence a fairly casual and familiar dance to the tune of "oh, he's just stinkin' drunk". By all appearances it seems the fella will be OK - lucky him the weather is not like LAST weekend with the single digit daytime highs.
So I sit here and wonder, did we act accordingly, doing the RIGHT thing? What are my societal obligations, and when does someone else stray into my "freedom" by creating this scene? Am I an ass, and don't realize that he is a diabetic and was simply in insulin shock? Will he be in "trouble" having been found in this state? A bag of weed in is pocket, or a bottle of painkillers not for him. Why should I care or not? And how many people walked right by this guy and didn't do an f-ing thing at all? (a lot of people out walking today, had to be 3 or 4 minimum in the preceding 15 minutes). Ultimately, I can feel OK that the poor bastard didn't freeze to death, and did get professional attention that would surely result in at least one more day for him. Maybe he is a dick, and I'd never like him in person,(it was kind of dick-ish to F with our walk like that..) but I hope he's OK. Just a weird thing to have happen.

*Police refer to an unmarked cruiser as a "low profile" vehicle, so you are now required to say "Low-Pro Po-Po" every time you see one for the rest of your days, crediting me with the witticism. "Low-pro 5-0"?...don't even go there.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

i'm an a-hole


is pretty much what i said when i saw a guy in the parking lot across from me wipe out on the ice.

he got out of his car and was quite animated and agitated whilst talking on his cell. after a minute or so he gets around to closing his car door....hard not realising he is standing on ice, until newton's 3rd law of motion kicks in - every action has an equal an opposite reaction. and down he goes, the icing on the cake was the cell phone flying off as well.

that made my afternoon.

yep i'm an a-hole


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Is it just me...

Or is 2009 feeling incredibly stressful for everyone else as well?

Monday, February 2, 2009

Facebook, Shmacebook

If all the energy people put into Facebook was applied to something productive and useful, the economy could improve in a speedier fashion.

But no...instead of people applying themselves to something useful, meaningful and helpful (ever think of volunteering at a nursing home, animal shelter, etc?) Facebookers are making "Lists about ME".   yawn.  No one cares about you. Those of us busting our asses to pay our mortgages (yes, oh yes, some of us still pay them and care about keeping a house over our heads and yes, we read the fine print before we signed the f***ing papers) and keep jobs and feed our families......well, we don't have time to tell our virtual friends about ourselves.  In fact, some of us still have real (time), living, breathing friends that we talk to in person over the phone (it's a small device that works in real-time and relies on auditory abilities) or we meet for coffee (that's F2F for you virtual-reality-addicts). 

Yeah, ok, some of you Facebookers have mortgages in good standing and productive jobs but let's be real about the majority of you F'ers.  You've got time to type away and share mundane bs....what have you done for me?  And by that question I mean the collective larger "me"...what did you give you back today?  Did you help anyone out of the kindness of your heart? Did you donate anything... clothes, blood, good will?  Did you hold the door for someone or let a car go in front of you?  Now, I'm really lowering the bar I'm actually fighting my natural cynical inclinations.

I can't wait for the Facebook fad to fade...just like MySpace and all the other productivity killers. 

I confess that I'm still waiting for WoW to slow down and die off....but being a former gamer myself....I know it won't happen. It's way to addictive.

ok. i'm done here.

oh...and yes, F'ers....i'm jealous of all that free time those F'ers have.  Why do you think I keep calling them F'ers.   duh.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Keepin' this one short

I'm full of cynicism today but lack time for a full bore here's a quickie to tie you over...

You know how Staples has their "easy" button...
Next month I'm going to market my "moron" button.
I'd have it out next week but I can't decide what should happen when you push the button.
Here are some of my fav options listed below. Pls feel free to add to the list.

1) Sky opens up, lightning bolt strikes moron
2) Earth opens up, swallows moron
3) A chorus of angels sing in sweet harmony "Morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Onnnnnnnnnnnnn"
4) Terry Tate appears out of nowhere and tackles said moron and says something witty or obvious like "Stop being a moron" 
5) A huge fart sound comes from out of nowhere.


On a seperate note, you are not Brand compliant...

So I am in charge of another menial task that puts me nowhere close to my career goals...but that's another rant for another time. I am now the editor for our eNewsletter. Sounds glamorous eh? If by glamorous you mean corralling three different people and threatening/bullying them into giving you their articles for this month's newsletter, than having to write the whole thing over again because their grammar is atrocious, then yes, it's very glamorous.

So anyways, I submitted my eNewsletter for brand review, and then you have to email them separately to tell them what the purpose is and who it is going to. So I do just that and sign it: Sarah LastName. Big mistake.

I receive a sort of nasty email telling me that my email signature is not Brand compliant and she has no idea who I am where I'm from etc. And then she signs it: Jamie. Yep, Jamie. No last name, nothing. I was SO tempted to be a smart ass and write her asking for her signature but I decided to keep my mouth shut. Which I'm sorry, is VERY hard to do!

It's not like she can't just open a new email and type my last name to figure out who I am. So I type out who I am who I work for my address etc. Then go in to change my signature to something similar to what my boss has. Note: I hate email signatures they are so stupid, if you don't know who I am ask someone or look it up. I don't email that many people who don't already know me.

I had to make a few changes, just to the font size, and apparently had to resubmit it all over again. Then she comes back and emails us this laundry list of things she needs us to do...have I stated that this is an INTERNAL COMMUNICATION!? She said she required passwords and logins to all of our private business applications, that a link didn't work and that one of our internally used applications did not have the proper brand name.



and then this:

On a separate note, your email signature is still not brand compliant please download our requirements from:...



Please don't ask me why she signed her first name twice.

I hate Jamie, I hate brand and I hate eNewsletters. Also, the link works Jamie, you're just an idiot.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

It's that time of year...

My wife tells me that I usually get depressed right around my birthday. I think she may be right this year:

- I got my 401k statement. Lost 33% so far. Terrific.

- Stress levels at work, particularly today, are at an all time high. I have several VPs vying for my limited time and not relenting. I'm not the only one. My wife is also working a lot of overtime. She's already been working 10 hours today and yesterday she worked until 1am.

- The software that I need to work at home to try to catch up won't install on my home machine. The install stops at 90%. Believe me when I tell you that this is significantly more stressful than if it stopped at 5%.

- My sons' birthday is coming up. They'll be 1 year olds. Party planning is, well, not exactly relaxing.

- I've been selling off pretty much everything I own with the hopes that I would be able to buy a new television with the money. Sadly, most of the money I received from selling my speakers, surround speakers and television has already been spent on other things (like, you know, food).

- This year, I will be 40 years old. In itself, this is enough to set your mood back a bit. But no, there's more. I had my annual physical on Wed and my doctor said, "'re turning 40 in a few weeks. I have an early present for you...a prostate exam!".

' nuff said.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What, is there a f***ing full moon or something?

Explain to me what's going on. I just don't get it. Nearly everyone I've spoken to is having a "day". And this "day" has lasted nearly a week. Personally, I'm also having a very long "day".

How would you define "day"? Imagine the most stressful, gut-wrenchingly idiotic thing ever. Plus a papercut. That's a "day".

Now, I know that we're in a nationwide lay-off panic. So I'll try to make this more general than just complaining about a day at work, even though that's what motivated this blog entry. Honestly, I think people who have been laid off from work are in enough of a state that they don't need to read some goofy cynical blog. Perhaps not...welcome all.

But just what the f*** is going on? Seriously? Have people taken crazy pills lately? I have people asking and doing just the dumbest things all around me. I took my family to the mall this weekend for a stroll and holy cow...that is just a microcosm of American society at it's most moronic. I saw people walking and talking on cell phones while they had a perfectly acceptable companion next to them, looking insulted and bored. And those single person shoppers...also on phones...are walking like they're driving while talking on a phone: utterly distracted. Weaving around, not paying attention to their surroundings and nearly walking right into my baby carriage.

I won't go into the drivers who talk on cell phones. Too easy a rant. But let me just say I support legislation to ban cell phone use while driving. Yes, hands-free is fine. Blah blah blah.

So back to the full moon effect. I have people asking me work questions via email that are...well, no other word for it: embarrassing. One email I listed a full set of instructions that would help a user who then proceeded to NOT read it and asked me a question that would have been answered had he read JUST BELOW HIS QUESTION. Right there, sir. Yes, just scroll down a bit...YES there. I, seriously, copied & pasted the same section below...and he was delighted with my answers.


And why is it when I eat healthy, organic food that I feel like crap? Why does my co-worker hock loogies in the men's room every single time I'm in there? Is the air around me caustic?? By god, I'll make it caustic.

Pass the broccoli.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Ok, here comes the crazy...

I saw an article this week about a scientific testing facility in England revealing some inexplicable gravitational wave "noise" out in the far reaches of the universe. The explanation? Our world may be a giant hologram. I then had to couple this idea with a notion I've been reading about for some time now, suggesting this is all a simulation.
Combining the two ideas yields, for me, A) we ain't here B) this - whatever it is - ain't "live", as in "Saturday Night Live", but is merely a cache of data that appears to be "playing".
I know, "are you drunk/high?". No, it's been a while.
I'm not going to go too deep here into my sense of what all this means, but the gravitational wave data suggests that at some very-distant point, the universe stops obeying any known laws of physics (when does it obey?) and simply fades into a penumbra-like non-beingness (penumubra = edge of a shadow where it is neither light nor dark, "non-beingness" = keister pulled word).
The article on Virtual Reality also discusses how certain ideas fall apart into inexplicability, leaving the Occam's razor-like idea that if reality "can't be", then it simply "ain't".
What? The sweet & happy invisible, all-knowing, all-seeing, grandfather in-the-sky is so much more plausible? Please. You are nothing more than a lot of very-closely circulating molecules of energy. Not too unlike electrons flashing across a processer, for a moment simulating something, which really ..isn't.
I will not be held responsible for carpet cleaning of the mind-blown.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I am not Doris Day all Day every Day

I am an executive assistant for a biotech company, and so I provide "customer service" for everyone I support. If you saw me at work, I would have a smile on my face, a willingness to help, and a kind word of encouragment for everyone. I know some of my colleagues think I'm a goodie two shoes and that I "cater" to my team because I smile a lot and hardly ever say anything negative about anybody. Someone at work actually called me Doris Day because like her character's typical persona, I can come off as happy and perky and care free. Que sera sera and all that.

OK. I admit that I am the type of person who likes to get along with everybody. I play well with others. I am the middle kid in my family and have always been the one to try to make peace with my other sisters, just to stop the fighting. I don't like the stress of it.

That does not mean I am a ditzy Doris. In fact, if these people could read my mind...whooo wheee would they be surprised. I could give a flyin fig about these cocky sonsabeeches. Do they really think I just love to hear their stupid stories about how great their trip to Basel was and which expensive restaurant they ate at? I could care less about the new regulatory matters that have come up and it's a good thing he was on top of the game and caught it in time. I don't give a crap which board member thinks he is more important than the others and so all the board meetings must be arranged to suit his schedule. My immediate boss is a big old crabapple who has nothing good to say about anybody or anything, and she's the director of HUMAN RESOURCES. Yeah sure, a real people person, she is. NOT.

And what's up with these so called executives who can't seem to perform simple tasks? Oh no, the bowl which usually holds packets of sweetner is empty and although I know where the supplies are I can't seem to bend down, open the cupboard and get more packets to refill the bowl. Help! Help! The copier is out of paper and even though there is a big box of paper right next to the machine, I can't figure out how to put more in and get it to work. The shredder is jammed with paper because I tried to shred 100 pages all at once even though there is a sign up which clearly states you should only shred 25 pages at a time. WTF?!!? What is it...the more intellectual you become, the less practical sense you retain???

Not very nice of me, is it? Maybe one day they'll see my true colors, but then again, I'm pretty good at staying off the radar so I think I'll just smile instead. After all, the economy isn't so hot least that's what the word on the street is.

So what's in the news?

Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl is now Luke Steelerstahl. In honor of the playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens, the mayor changed his name. If he was the mayor of NYC, would he change his name to "Jetsstahl"? Sounds like a mayday call. I think he should change his name once again to "Noonegivesacrapstahl"

Bush leaving the White House, leaving Crawford, TX. George & Laura bought a new home in a posh little Dallas suburb. I just hope History leaves a flaming bag of dog poo on their front door.

Israeli forces shell UN headquarters in Gaza. And they say Iraq posed a threat to peace in the Middle East. Sheesh. Someone just tell them to knock it off and behave.

The Dallas Cowboys had a disappointing season, and are supposedly considering releasing Terrell Owens. If Tom Brady is indeed out for another season, maybe...just maybe...oh, what the heck am I thinking?! Big whoopdeesh*t.

Ricardo Montalbon dies at 88. Bow your heads to Mr. Khan Roarke. I was going to make a joke about his casket and fine corinthian leather, but it's a sad day. Montalbon was mondo-cool.

Senate Panel 16-1 in favor of Hillary Clinton as next secretary of state. I think I'll let I Ain't No Oprah handle this one.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

On good husbands and empty gas tanks

So yesterday I commented on mulderjoejoe's post about resolutions. It went a little something like this...

it's the little things. like having a gas tank right next to empty that you've been meaning to fill for two days but haven't because it's too dark, too cold, too whatever and then the realization that you're probably not going to make it home on what you've got so pull into gas station, pop open the tank, reach for credit card, think 'where's my wallet', madly search for wallet. no wallet. back to work. considering plan b...

Ready to hear what I came up with for my plan b? Call my husband and ask him to drive to my office, trade cars, and go fill my tank, and then launch a full-scale search for my missing wallet. You know what he says? Nope, not any of the snippy, somewhat put out replies I surely would have given him. Not even any good natured razzing. Nope. He says: "Sure, I'll be over sometime this afternoon."

Poor guy doesn't have a cynical bone in his body.

And... to make me feel like even more of a schmuck my wallet was safely tucked away in the diaper bag we took to the science museum on Saturday. Apparently I don't get out much because I was without it for 3 days and didn't miss it one bit.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Resolutions for 2009

I resolve to not have any resolutions. And if I break that resolution, then it's win-win.

Unless, of course, I break that initial resolution to resolve to eat more, exercise less (like THAT'S possible), become addicted to heroin and microbe porno. Then it's hardly a win. Except for the Microbiological Adult Film Industry.

2009 should be an interesting year. Obama will take over the reigns of a country that W has left a shambles. Our economy is less than booming. I'm considering buying a midlife crisis car based on good city/highway mpg and versatility for a new family. Sigh.

My sons turn one year old. I turn 40. So, 2009 will be good & bad on the aging front. Btw, 40 ain't the new 20 or 30. It's ****ing 40 and always will be. Get over it.

There's nothing I despise more is the whole generation of "everyone's a winner" and that the includes boomers & post-boomers that say that their age is really the new younger age. Horsepoo. You're getting older, deal with it. And guess what? Losing is a good thing. You learn incredibly valuable lessons when you lose. If everyone's a winner, then everyone loses. There's the lesson.

What else to expect? I imagine all of the big problems we face will not surpass the little, irritating ones we forget a day or two later. You know, like ingrowing toenails. Diarrhea. Your credit card physically breaking. A windshield wiper falling apart during a snowstorm. A shopping cart dings your new car. Everyone else gets a break on their high interest mortgage except you. Bush is vindicated and turns out to be an excellent president in history books.

The little things.

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Lang Syne

If you haven't seen/heard Jim's Big Ego's song, "New Lang Syne", it is a moral imperative that you do so. Now.