Thursday, July 31, 2008

Now there's a good line

Today via the good ol' AP:

AP - Democrat Barack Obama, the first black candidate with a shot at winning the White House, says John McCain and his Republican allies will try to scare them by saying Obama "doesn't look like all those other presidents on the dollar bills."

Now THAT is funny.

I thought that was an exaggeration until I read that one-third of all of John McCain's ads are anti-Obama. I was surprised that it's only 1/3...but anyway.

After the last post (below) and the cool discussion with Larry, I started thinking that pulling out of Iraq immediately would probably be the worst thing we could do. Think about it: we stupidly went into Iraq (no debate there) and ruined the whole damned country. Now, if we leave, we'll be like an unwelcome house get who makes a total mess of your house and doesn't even flush after an impressive bowel movement. Plus, you have a corrupt police force and lots of young men who would be furious at America for coming in and wrecking their country and will therefore do what they can to get back at the US. All supposition, I know. But not an unthinkable scenario.

So what do we do? I think McCain's original thought (I know he's revised it now) of America occupying Iraq for 100 years might be a tad too much. What we need is an exit strategy. Or...not. There's talk about the US setting up military bases and making Iraq a base of operations in the Middle East. That is a very interesting option. Could Iraq be the 51st state?! What would Old Glory look like? How do you make a pattern of 51 stars look cool? Maybe we should annex Puerto Rico to make it an even 52.

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Once and Future President

I've been reading and listening to a bunch of editorial statements recently about how John McCain will indeed be the next President of the United States. Why so sure? Evidently, the common theory is that south of the Mason-Dixon line, they are still not willing to vote for a black man. Is it mathematically possible to win the election without the southern states? It is, but it will again be another Ohio or Florida every-vote-counts situation. The electoral grade school (I mean 'college', of course) will ensure a balanced vote for our country, won't it?

Now, would this be a tragedy? Yes and no. I actually like John McCain. Will I vote for him? Maybe, maybe not. None of your business. The point is: will this be an election based on skin color? I would like to think that we have evolved as a society to the point where this question wouldn't even have to be asked. I would like to think that, oh yes I would.

The Bush Administration will most likely go down in history as one of, if not the worst administration in US history. I have a good friend that asked me if I seriously thought Al Gore or John Kerry would have made better presidents. Seriously: Yes. I cannot fathom worse than what we've had for the last two terms.

So how did our current president get elected and re-elected? Was it the Bible Belt of our country? Was it the South voting for one of their own? Could it be that all these coastal states and their resident celebrities shilling for a Democratic candidate turned stomachs and therefore votes of the "great unwashed"? No-one can really answer these questions (well, I know YOU can, faithful reader). What remains certain is that to guarantee a victory you must appeal to all classes of people in all states. That, and get more electoral votes (popular vote means very little...just ask Mr. Gore). All this being said, can Obama win the election? Is the overall disdain for these past eight years enough to oust the next viable Republican candidate dispite the fact that his opponent is African-American?

Curious to hear (read) your thoughts on this.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

(M & W) + (M & K) = W Therefore > All M W

Do you ever hear a man say "I'm a working Dad."

No. No. You don't.

This pretty much sums up my rant and in fact...I'm starting a new trend, right now, before your very eyes. When you read about it a year from now on the The New York'll recall that I started it all, right here, right now.

No more "I'm a working Mom" because first off....all Moms work. Duh. Kids are work. Work is work. Therefore, all Moms work.

(M & W) + (M & K) = W therefore > All M W. Move on over there, Einstein. Nice hair.

No more "I'm a stay at home Mom" because we all stay at home. We sleep there, eat there, do laundry there, raise our kids there, etc. No one says "I'm a stay at hotel Mom" or "I'm a stay at work Mom"

From now on...."I work and I'm a Mom" or "I'm a Mom and I work" and that pretty much covers it.

Oh, and by the way, the so called "Mommy Wars" - what a load of rubbish. A term coined to sell books. Quite unlike the term I've just coined above....but if a book comes out of it, won't you part with a buck and check it out?

I work. I'm Mom. I am.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

For My 40th Birthday, I Want Fish to Eat My Feet

Evidently, there's a type of pedicure treatment that involves putting your feet into a wading pool-style fish tank and having little garra rufa (called "Doctor Fish") nibble away at your feetsies.

I would love to try this out. I think it's a novel idea to have the carp relatives get a taste for human skin and then be set loose in the wild...only to hunt the only food they've ever known. Get them to crossbreed with the Clarias batrachus (called "Walking Catfish") and you have yourselves the making of a tremendous horror flick.

Of course, I would have to sign a waiver that would say I am not financially responsible for the damage my hobbit feet would cause these little fishies' digestive systems. One bite and they'd be begging (can't you picture little fish begging?) for fish food.

The photo attached shows a customer reading a magazine. That magazine must be the most fascinating periodical ever to have existed if it would attract attention away from watching little fish snacks on her feet. Either that, or this type of treatment is totally normal or mundane for this customer. Wow...time to cut back on the prozaic. You have FISH eating the skin cells on YOUR FEET. Seriously, what could be more interesting? Ok, perhaps there are more interesting concepts...but name one that's in the same room with you and hundreds of little hungry fish looking for foot a la mode?

Anyway, if anyone's looking for a neat gift idea for someone that has everything...consider giving them a coupon to be a fish meal.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Why I Like Working With Clients Online!

I have a deadline a very dire deadline that put the “dead” in deadline and you’re standing there, and you’re asking me a grammar question, except you’re not really asking me a grammar question, instead you’re asking me, “Can I do your job for a minute ‘cause I’m really bored with mine?” and you’re questioning how I edited that thing you wrote but you don’t really give a fuck about that you’re just very bored and you’re kind of in the mood to fondly reminisce about your seventh grade English/language arts teacher, Mrs. Greenbottom...

...and boy she was a tough one and you learned a lot from her and you will never forget this one thing that she taught you that you are saying I have edited incorrectly in that thing that you wrote and you want to tell me about the important grammar—and well, life—lessons taught to you by Mrs. Greenbottom who I pity deeply because clearly although she tried to teach you these lessons she failed, oh Mrs. Greenbottom you failed spectacularly, because this thing that you wrote that I just edited for you sucks it just sucks and it was hell to edit and now you’re oh lord you’re sitting down and snuggling cozily into your argument really cuddling up in your argument and telling me why I am wrong and you are right because you know if you go back to your office right now you’ll need to do your own work and that’s the last thing you want to do...

...and now dear lord you’re settling back into that chair and taking a sip of your coffee and you’re saying, “You know, Mrs. Greenbottom was HOT she was really the HOTTEST seventh grade teacher in the school” and please no you just casually crossed your legs in the guy way—left leg bent at ninety degrees right ankle resting just above the left knee, your socks have flying alarm clocks on them—and you’re going to be here all day talking about Mrs. Greenbottom and the forbidden love between the two of you and the many golden moments you spent reading grammar books nestled between her naked breasts and that is how you KNOW that my edit is incorrect although you would NOT tell me how to do my job oh no you would NOT tell me how to do my job although you just did and you are continuing to do so...

...and you are looking at me and I am smiling at you and there are sympathetic dimples being shown and I am nodding and I appear to be agreeing with you because this is the face that I have when someone with flying alarm clocks on their socks is vacation day camping in my office when I have a dire deadline and I am fairly confident that soon you will set up a little tent covered with posters of Mrs. Greenbottom and you will sit there in your Greenbottom Shrine reading grammar books and toasting wienies over a small fire that you will start in my under-the-desk wastebasket... you’ve made me do it you’ve made me do the thing I hate to do now I am taking the No One Can Argue With This Reputable Style Guide down from my Resource Shelf of Last Resort and I am browsing through the index, smiling and nodding as you tell me that Mrs. Greenbottom’s first name was Nancy and she asked all of you to call her Nancy unlike the other, cronelike seventh grade English/Language Arts teachers, and I am finding the correct rule and just as you start to tell me about the outfit Mrs. Greenbottom wore on the first day of seventh grade—that would be pink suede mini skirt, floral blouse, pink suede vest, and patent leather thigh-high stiletto-heel boots, and I’m not buying the boots even in the 1970s cool chick seventh grade English/Language Arts teachers did not wear thigh-high stiletto-heel boots—I point out the correct rule on page 740 which is VERY DIFFERENT from what you have been saying and I say hey I’m really sorry I need to get to work on this project that’s due in nine minutes here’s the rule...

...and you get up very slowly and you look down at the book wishing that you were looking at the book between the naked breasts of Mrs. Greenbottom and you say, “Yeah. That’s what I’ve been telling you.”

*When I'm off-duty I like to ignore grammar, thus the giddy stream of words, unchecked by periods and colons of the semi sort. Sorry if it makes ya crazy!
**And I changed this post-posting because the giddy stream of words made ME crazy.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

So what's in the news...

Jose Canseco gets his butt handed to him in his boxing debut. Former Philadelphia Eagle Vai Sikahema, who, by the way, is significantly shorter and lighter than Mr. Canseco, beat the living poo out of Jose. I'm not sure why, but this made me smile. I didn't know the fight was happening, and if I did, I certainly wouldn't have tuned in. But knowing the result...I find myself tickled.

"A rose by any other name would wither and die." - Peter O'Toole. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt announced the names of their newborn twins: Knox and Vivienne. What were the chances these two would have normal names? Granted, this is no "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" or "Apple" level of eccentricity. But still, come on. Does being rich and famous give you license to be odd for the sake of being odd under the umbrella of "creativity"? I suppose so. I'm neither rich nor famous...that's why I named my twin sons Kevin & Jason.

Obama said that "Afganistan is a war we have to win". No jokes here. I agree completely.

The Federal Reserve Chairman said something that gave me pause: the fragile economy is facing "numerous difficulties". Before becoming involved with the Fed, Mr. Bernanke used to work for the Department of Stating the Clearly Obvious. Mr. Bernanke also mentioned that there are 4 bases in baseball and that standing in the rain might dampen your shirt.

Jimmy Kimmell and Sarah Silverman have ended their 5 year relationship. I'm actually a little bummed about this. I have no idea why. Do you think she's really ****ing Matt Damon?

That's it for now!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Conspiracy Theories - Part 1

Every now and again I like to read about the latest updates to all of the favorite conspiracy theories out there. Today's conspiracy theory discussion is inspired by I Ain't No Oprah's 9/11 10th anniversary blog.

Since the towers fell on September 11th, 2001, there have been several conspiracy theories brought forth contending, among other things, that the government was not only aware but involved in the attacks. There are many organizations out there such as who commit resources into finding "the truth" about the 9/11 attacks.

The name of this little bloggy is "Cynics Online", so you might expect me to go on in support of trains of thoughts such as these. On the contrary. I would say it's organizations like this that are deserving of outright skepticism and criticism. I could go on and on about about their theories and their loads of "evidence" as well as the counterpoints. But I think it's important to stop and question the types of people that harbor these types of conspiracy.

Is it the case that they really have a honest belief regarding this conspiracy? I mean, ockham's razor not withstanding, is it really that inconceivable that such an attack could occur? The United States of America had grown accustomed to being an untouchable entity. None of the World Wars happened on American soil aside from Hawaii (not a state at the time), unless you believe other conspiracies out there.

There are plenty of people out there who have unconventional beliefs, and who's to say they're wrong...or rather, that the thoughts are not right for those who partake? Look at Scientology. It's a remarkable entity. I've always believed that you should ask as many questions as you can and always question authority. That said, I believe anarchy is a moronic notion and society as a whole functions as it should. Can it be better? Absolutely. And the key is to question the status-quo.

So what about these theorists questioning the authority on the 9/11 attacks? Isn't this what I've just been rambling on about? Well, a point. And by that I mean it's important to recognize when you have your answers to the questions. Will we ever know the truth about the 9/11 attacks? Sure. We already do. There comes a time when these arguments become pedantic and should be evaluated as to their continued necessity.

You know, the buildings fell as they did as a direct result of the airplanes crashing into them and burning at tremendous temperatures that eventually melted the structural integrity of the tower and it collapsed under the tremendous strain and weight of each floor falling on another. The government was probably aware of the possibility of such an attack. They are also probably aware of many, many other plausible threats that occur with regularity. Were they involved with the plot? No need to answer that. They can't balance the budget successfully. Did President Bush sit in a classroom for 7 full minutes after being told the news? There is empirical evidence of this. How would you react to this news? Would you do differently? (yeah, I probably would have immediately got up and left to deal with the crisis immediately, too. But we're talking intelligencia here...).

So what does it all mean? Sometimes a horse is a horse is a horse. And sometimes people just need to argue otherwise.

Next time on Conspiracy Theories: The moon landing, UFOs, and the JFK Assassination.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Timing is not good

WTF? Why does it seem like every day is an over-booked, over-scheduled, sh*tfest, akin to making breakfast for a 5 year-old? "Do you want cheerios?" NO, "Do you want waffles?" NO, "Do you want fruit?" NO. I'm not a mind reader, when you can tell me what you want, I'll get it for you. Quit wasting everybody's time pretending that you are important. Pssst... you're not, you may not even be "real" - read any of the recent variations on "this is all a simulation"? Compelling stuff considering that you "are" just a bunch of tiny energy particles that whiz around each other in tight formation, creating the appearance of a person/thing/entity.
Dammit, I gotta go, late for... something. Or am I simply be prodded by the overlord of the simulation? Man, I hope it is running on Linux.

Sh*t songs

Time to make a list of crap songs written by good artists. This list is inspired by the first entry (which just played on the ol' mp3 player):
  1. "Dog Years" by Rush - Holy crap, what were they thinking? 'With his tail between his ears'...
  2. "She's as beautiful as a foot" by Blue Oyster Cult. Ugh.
  3. "In the City" by The Who. Mindless Pap.
  4. "Wild Mountain Honey" by Steve Miller Band.
  5. "How Many Say I?" by Van Halen. Eddie sings...oh my.
  6. "Leather Boots" by Alice Cooper. Heck, the whole "Flush the Fashion" album
  7. "November Rain" by Guns 'N Roses. When Axl's ego goes unchecked.
  8. "Summerlove" by Neil Diamond. Sweet Caroline ain't happy 'bout this tune.
  9. "Spidergawd" by Jerry Garcia. Basically unlistenable.
  10. "Crazy" by Aerosmith. Just...stop.

My peeves du jour

I have some peeves to share. I'm becomming very cantankerous as I age, and I like it.

1) The March of the Heffers. The traffic light turns green, and the second I start to accelerate, a herd of cow-like teenagers decide they want to see how slowly they can walk across the street - right in front of me. Some of them look at me with the "hahaha what are you gonna do about it?" face. Some continue to text or talk on their stupid cell phones. Some of them pretend that they are all alone and there is nobody around them at all. It doesn't matter. All of them ANNOY ME. I won't even go off on the kids who wear jeans that are 2 sizes too big for them half way down their asses.

2) Women who have all the time in the world in the morning to go to the gym, eat breakfast, watch Good Morning America and sip coffee and gab on the phone, but are too busy to stop for 60 seconds in their homes to apply their makeup, and then decided to put their freakin faces on while they're driving to work. COME ON! I was behind a woman this morning who had her visor mirror down, cell phone in propped to her left ear with her shoulder - no hands free for this lady - applying eye liner while driving on the Leverett Connector. It wasn't like we were stopped in traffic, either. We were moving. She was going SO SLOW. She and her kind are one of the reasons why we have rush hour traffic. If you do this while you're on the road, SHAME ON YOU.

3) The stupid Leverett Connector traffic. Everybody who uses this connector on a regular basis knows that you need to be in the left lane to get onto Storrow Drive, yet there are some folks who feel it's in their right to get in the right lane, blow by all of the good doobie drivers that get into the left lane and respect their fellow commuters and then cut them off right at the Storrow Drive entrance. I understand the need for some folks to have to merge their way into the left lane half way down the ramp, but when some jerk in a big old F150 or BMW (or some chick applying makeup) boots it all the way to the bottom of the connector and then cut me off, that's just not cool. Don't be a dick. Just get in the queue and you'll be on Storrow in no time.

4) When the red hand is lit up on the traffic light, it means DON'T WALK. When the white walking figure is lit up, it means WALK. Don't get them mixed up, you stupid pedestrians in Downtown Boston. You make me crazy when you wait to walk until my light turns green and your red hand is up. Stop it. Stand by the light and sip your stupid Starbucks and wait your turn.

5) Downtown Boston cabbies suck. Enough said.

That's my rant for now. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Things that drive me nuts

I really have no agenda for this blog. Just a place to clear out the mental junk drawer and maybe even amuse a few hapless readers who stumble here from Google or someplace. So, that being said, I always enjoy a good list of pet peeves. Here's my list for today:

Gas Prices
Save me your speeches about how America consumes way too much oil as it is and this is some sort of karmic equilibrium. We used to be one of, if not the most generous nations in the world in suppling aid to whichever country was in a bad way. While our current administration ruined our image to a point where France looks generous and polite, we're still a fairly ahead of the scale for good will to be coming back our way. No, I'm not saying that this good will should come in the form of low gas prices or countries shipping over their reserves to help. I'm asking that this good will be other countries relaxing on demonizing American culture.

So who can we demonize? After all, the hero needs a villian, yes? Well, let's see. We have essentially an economic recession at this point in time. Oil prices are higher than they've ever been and at the pump prices are enough for you to consider dusting off that bike in your garage.

What about the American oil companies? They've repeatedly said that they're not responsible for climbing gas prices yet post record profits. That's not their fault, you see. They run a business and they need to provide for their shareholders. So we can forgive them for this itty bitty hardship on the entire nation.

After all, if we want more oil, we should just occupy a middle-eastern country.

The Election
I'm often asked who I like for a candidate in the upcoming presidential elections. I'll say what I said for the last two elections: anyone but George Bush. The lesson here? My opinion means nada.

The War in Iraq
I still firmly believe that this war is underway because our president is just continuing his father's war. There are other reasons, of course. Bill Hicks called the first war the "Gulf War Distraction" as it took the public eye off of domestic issues. We could label this war GWD2, I suppose. But people are still very concerned with domestic issues, so no distracto here.

The thing that gets me so irritated about this war is it's taking place in the wrong country. Or maybe the right country at the wrong time. All of our efforts should be and have been focused on getting the Taliban and Bin Laden for the 9/11 tragedy. We had the world on our side...the whole damned world. If we successfully waged a war on terror and dismantled that particular terrorist faction, then we would have been a hugely celebrated nation and THEN we could have taken down Saddam Hussein's regime...probably with the world's blessing.

Everyone's a winner
Not too long ago, children were taught that no-one is a loser, everyone is a winner and the world can be theirs if they want it. You know what I'm talking about. Everyone gets a trophy. 4th grade graduation ceremony. A general celebration of mediocrity.

Well these kids are now becoming adults. And what do we have? A nation filling with young adults who don't care about the value of a hard day's work and are shocked when not given a 6 figure salary right out of the gate. The general sense of apathy and laziness prevails and rather than applying the lessons learned from failing, they give up.

Am I generalizing here? Of course I am. But if you're observant about society in the least, you'll see I'm not too far off.

The thing is, when I was growing up, I hated to lose. Not because I had a strong desire to win, but more of a fear of looking stupid, getting picked on, laughed at, etc. Only now do I realize that winning teaches you little but pride and handling victory well (if that's taught). Losing or failure generates terrific life lessons...especially getting up and trying again without fear of getting it wrong again.

If you can apply what you learn...not the facts but the will become a productive member of society and work towards becoming an actualized human being. I say "you" because I still fear failure in the eyes of my peers and superiors. When you can't do, teach.

Things I invented first, I swear
No-one believes me, but I invented these things independent of my knowledge of them. I'm sure you have the same type of list. Here's mine:

The Monte Cristo sandwich: I've been making this sandwich for decades. I was PISSED when I saw it in a menu at a restaurant. Kinda a cool name, though.

The idea behind the movie "What dreams may come". Except my story was (is) significantly darker. I even have an outline from the late 80s in my desk drawer.

Cookie Dough Ice Cream: I'm sure everyone can lay claim to this one.

Mini-desserts: I was at P.F. Changs and had a fine meal. I wanted to have a sample of their famous "Great Wall of Chocolate" cake, but there's no way I could put a dent in such a huge slice. For years I've been saying that restaurants should offer a spoon-sized option for their dessert menu. Just for a taste. Even have a special where you can choose 3 or 5 spoon desserts for a variety. Well, P.F. Changs hasn't done the spoon idea, but they have 3-bite samplings of their dessert menu. Oh well...not something you can patent or trademark, I suppose.

Text Messenging
Ok, this is a rant, but do I want to say that I understand texting. I do...I get it completely. I personally prefer emailing or IMing rather than speaking on the phone, and texting on a cell is essentially just an extention of emailing. That being said, texting from a cell phone annoys the crap out of me for some reason. Maybe it's because the texter should be effing DRIVING rather than texting. Shit, I can't stand it when people talk on their cell phones while driving. Yet I see people every day in their cars on the highway typing away. The worst part is when they do get in their accident, they'll probably walk away fine leaving carnage in their wake.

I also don't get why you would text when the pricing for texting is outrageous. Yes, you can buy an all-encompassing flat rate for texting...but that's still too much. It's like when cell phones used to charge by minutes rather than offering a package. I suppose this is the same thing, but I believe that texting should be covered under your phone usage as if you were talking. Or even offer a text-only cell phone device. Don't talk on your phone? No problem! Here's a portable mini typewriter for ya.

Moving Pictures
I'm one of those people that gets so very annoyed that Hollywood feels the need these days to provide moral lessons, happy endings and overt messages in their films. That's why it's worth checking out independent films and foreign cinema where they are not confined by the studio's need to pander to the lowest common denomenator to ensure financial success (avarice, actually).

That being said, when I go to the movies these days...the last thing I want to do is think. I love summertime movies. LOVE them. Blockbusters all the way, baby. Give me explosions, car/vehicle chases, martial arts, gunplay, boobs, bombs, and a hearty sense of humor. Or pretty much anything by Pixar.

Recently I've developed a penchant for disaster movies. Especially wide-scale planetary distruction movies. I've mocked "Armageddon" and "Independence Day (ID4)" for countless hours...but I will ALWAYS watch them when they're on. On FX, they've been showing "The Fifth Element" which is one of my all-time favorite Bruce Willis action movies. As a matter of fact, I love most of his action oeuvre. Even "Hudson Hawk" and "Last Boy Scout". Utter crap, but I love 'em. Yes I do.

That's it for now. Cheers.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

testing, testing...1, 2, 3

This is just a post to test the blog. Obviously, I take nothing for granted.

More later.