Keepin' this one short

I'm full of cynicism today but lack time for a full bore post...so here's a quickie to tie you over...

You know how Staples has their "easy" button...

Next month I'm going to market my "moron" button.

I'd have it out next week but I can't decide what should happen when you push the button.

Here are some of my fav options listed below. Pls feel free to add to the list.

1) Sky opens up, lightning bolt strikes moron

2) Earth opens up, swallows moron

3) A chorus of angels sing in sweet harmony "Morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Onnnnnnnnnnnnn"

4) Terry Tate appears out of nowhere and tackles said moron and says something witty or obvious like "Stop being a moron" 

5) A huge fart sound comes from out of nowhere.

harumph

On a seperate note, you are not Brand compliant...

So I am in charge of another menial task that puts me nowhere close to my career goals...but that's another rant for another time. I am now the editor for our eNewsletter. Sounds glamorous eh? If by glamorous you mean corralling three different people and threatening/bullying them into giving you their articles for this month's newsletter, than having to write the whole thing over again because their grammar is atrocious, then yes, it's very glamorous.

So anyways, I submitted my eNewsletter for brand review, and then you have to email them separately to tell them what the purpose is and who it is going to. So I do just that and sign it: Sarah LastName. Big mistake.

I receive a sort of nasty email telling me that my email signature is not Brand compliant and she has no idea who I am where I'm from etc. And then she signs it: Jamie. Yep, Jamie. No last name, nothing. I was SO tempted to be a smart ass and write her asking for her signature but I decided to keep my mouth shut. Which I'm sorry, is VERY hard to do!

It's not like she can't just open a new email and type my last name to figure out who I am. So I type out who I am who I work for my address etc. Then go in to change my signature to something similar to what my boss has. Note: I hate email signatures they are so stupid, if you don't know who I am ask someone or look it up. I don't email that many people who don't already know me.

I had to make a few changes, just to the font size, and apparently had to resubmit it all over again. Then she comes back and emails us this laundry list of things she needs us to do...have I stated that this is an INTERNAL COMMUNICATION!? She said she required passwords and logins to all of our private business applications, that a link didn't work and that one of our internally used applications did not have the proper brand name.

Signed,

Jamie

and then this:

On a separate note, your email signature is still not brand compliant please download our requirements from:...

Signed,

Jamie

Please don't ask me why she signed her first name twice.

I hate Jamie, I hate brand and I hate eNewsletters. Also, the link works Jamie, you're just an idiot.

It's that time of year...

My wife tells me that I usually get depressed right around my birthday. I think she may be right this year:

- I got my 401k statement. Lost 33% so far. Terrific.

- Stress levels at work, particularly today, are at an all time high. I have several VPs vying for my limited time and not relenting. I'm not the only one. My wife is also working a lot of overtime. She's already been working 10 hours today and yesterday she worked until 1am.

- The software that I need to work at home to try to catch up won't install on my home machine. The install stops at 90%. Believe me when I tell you that this is significantly more stressful than if it stopped at 5%.

- My sons' birthday is coming up. They'll be 1 year olds. Party planning is, well, not exactly relaxing.

- I've been selling off pretty much everything I own with the hopes that I would be able to buy a new television with the money. Sadly, most of the money I received from selling my speakers, surround speakers and television has already been spent on other things (like, you know, food).

- This year, I will be 40 years old. In itself, this is enough to set your mood back a bit. But no, there's more. I had my annual physical on Wed and my doctor said, "say...you're turning 40 in a few weeks. I have an early present for you...a prostate exam!".

' nuff said.

What, is there a f***ing full moon or something?

Explain to me what's going on. I just don't get it. Nearly everyone I've spoken to is having a "day". And this "day" has lasted nearly a week. Personally, I'm also having a very long "day".

How would you define "day"? Imagine the most stressful, gut-wrenchingly idiotic thing ever. Plus a papercut. That's a "day".

Now, I know that we're in a nationwide lay-off panic. So I'll try to make this more general than just complaining about a day at work, even though that's what motivated this blog entry. Honestly, I think people who have been laid off from work are in enough of a state that they don't need to read some goofy cynical blog. Perhaps not...welcome all.

But just what the f*** is going on? Seriously? Have people taken crazy pills lately? I have people asking and doing just the dumbest things all around me. I took my family to the mall this weekend for a stroll and holy cow...that is just a microcosm of American society at it's most moronic. I saw people walking and talking on cell phones while they had a perfectly acceptable companion next to them, looking insulted and bored. And those single person shoppers...also on phones...are walking like they're driving while talking on a phone: utterly distracted. Weaving around, not paying attention to their surroundings and nearly walking right into my baby carriage.

I won't go into the drivers who talk on cell phones. Too easy a rant. But let me just say I support legislation to ban cell phone use while driving. Yes, hands-free is fine. Blah blah blah.

So back to the full moon effect. I have people asking me work questions via email that are...well, no other word for it: embarrassing. One email I listed a full set of instructions that would help a user who then proceeded to NOT read it and asked me a question that would have been answered had he read JUST BELOW HIS QUESTION. Right there, sir. Yes, just scroll down a bit...YES there. I, seriously, copied & pasted the same section below...and he was delighted with my answers.

Sigh.

And why is it when I eat healthy, organic food that I feel like crap? Why does my co-worker hock loogies in the men's room every single time I'm in there? Is the air around me caustic?? By god, I'll make it caustic.

Pass the broccoli.

Ok, here comes the crazy...

I saw an article this week about a scientific testing facility in England revealing some inexplicable gravitational wave "noise" out in the far reaches of the universe. The explanation? Our world may be a giant hologram. I then had to couple this idea with a notion I've been reading about for some time now, suggesting this is all a simulation.
Combining the two ideas yields, for me, A) we ain't here B) this - whatever it is - ain't "live", as in "Saturday Night Live", but is merely a cache of data that appears to be "playing".
I know, "are you drunk/high?". No, it's been a while.
I'm not going to go too deep here into my sense of what all this means, but the gravitational wave data suggests that at some very-distant point, the universe stops obeying any known laws of physics (when does it obey?) and simply fades into a penumbra-like non-beingness (penumubra = edge of a shadow where it is neither light nor dark, "non-beingness" = keister pulled word).
The article on Virtual Reality also discusses how certain ideas fall apart into inexplicability, leaving the Occam's razor-like idea that if reality "can't be", then it simply "ain't".
What? The sweet & happy invisible, all-knowing, all-seeing, grandfather in-the-sky is so much more plausible? Please. You are nothing more than a lot of very-closely circulating molecules of energy. Not too unlike electrons flashing across a processer, for a moment simulating something, which really ..isn't.
I will not be held responsible for carpet cleaning of the mind-blown.

I am not Doris Day all Day every Day

I am an executive assistant for a biotech company, and so I provide "customer service" for everyone I support. If you saw me at work, I would have a smile on my face, a willingness to help, and a kind word of encouragment for everyone. I know some of my colleagues think I'm a goodie two shoes and that I "cater" to my team because I smile a lot and hardly ever say anything negative about anybody. Someone at work actually called me Doris Day because like her character's typical persona, I can come off as happy and perky and care free. Que sera sera and all that.

OK. I admit that I am the type of person who likes to get along with everybody. I play well with others. I am the middle kid in my family and have always been the one to try to make peace with my other sisters, just to stop the fighting. I don't like the stress of it.

That does not mean I am a ditzy Doris. In fact, if these people could read my mind...whooo wheee would they be surprised. I could give a flyin fig about these cocky sonsabeeches. Do they really think I just love to hear their stupid stories about how great their trip to Basel was and which expensive restaurant they ate at? I could care less about the new regulatory matters that have come up and it's a good thing he was on top of the game and caught it in time. I don't give a crap which board member thinks he is more important than the others and so all the board meetings must be arranged to suit his schedule. My immediate boss is a big old crabapple who has nothing good to say about anybody or anything, and she's the director of HUMAN RESOURCES. Yeah sure, a real people person, she is. NOT.

And what's up with these so called executives who can't seem to perform simple tasks? Oh no, the bowl which usually holds packets of sweetner is empty and although I know where the supplies are I can't seem to bend down, open the cupboard and get more packets to refill the bowl. Help! Help! The copier is out of paper and even though there is a big box of paper right next to the machine, I can't figure out how to put more in and get it to work. The shredder is jammed with paper because I tried to shred 100 pages all at once even though there is a sign up which clearly states you should only shred 25 pages at a time. WTF?!!? What is it...the more intellectual you become, the less practical sense you retain???

Not very nice of me, is it? Maybe one day they'll see my true colors, but then again, I'm pretty good at staying off the radar so I think I'll just smile instead. After all, the economy isn't so hot anymore...at least that's what the word on the street is.

So what's in the news?

Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl is now Luke Steelerstahl. In honor of the playoff game against the Baltimore Ravens, the mayor changed his name. If he was the mayor of NYC, would he change his name to "Jetsstahl"? Sounds like a mayday call. I think he should change his name once again to "Noonegivesacrapstahl"

Bush leaving the White House, leaving Crawford, TX. George & Laura bought a new home in a posh little Dallas suburb. I just hope History leaves a flaming bag of dog poo on their front door.

Israeli forces shell UN headquarters in Gaza. And they say Iraq posed a threat to peace in the Middle East. Sheesh. Someone just tell them to knock it off and behave.

The Dallas Cowboys had a disappointing season, and are supposedly considering releasing Terrell Owens. If Tom Brady is indeed out for another season, maybe...just maybe...oh, what the heck am I thinking?! Big whoopdeesh*t.

Ricardo Montalbon dies at 88. Bow your heads to Mr. Khan Roarke. I was going to make a joke about his casket and fine corinthian leather, but it's a sad day. Montalbon was mondo-cool.

Senate Panel 16-1 in favor of Hillary Clinton as next secretary of state. I think I'll let I Ain't No Oprah handle this one.

On good husbands and empty gas tanks

So yesterday I commented on mulderjoejoe's post about resolutions. It went a little something like this...

it's the little things. like having a gas tank right next to empty that you've been meaning to fill for two days but haven't because it's too dark, too cold, too whatever and then the realization that you're probably not going to make it home on what you've got so pull into gas station, pop open the tank, reach for credit card, think 'where's my wallet', madly search for wallet. no wallet. back to work. considering plan b...

Ready to hear what I came up with for my plan b? Call my husband and ask him to drive to my office, trade cars, and go fill my tank, and then launch a full-scale search for my missing wallet. You know what he says? Nope, not any of the snippy, somewhat put out replies I surely would have given him. Not even any good natured razzing. Nope. He says: "Sure, I'll be over sometime this afternoon."

Poor guy doesn't have a cynical bone in his body.

And... to make me feel like even more of a schmuck my wallet was safely tucked away in the diaper bag we took to the science museum on Saturday. Apparently I don't get out much because I was without it for 3 days and didn't miss it one bit.

Resolutions for 2009

I resolve to not have any resolutions. And if I break that resolution, then it's win-win.

Unless, of course, I break that initial resolution to resolve to eat more, exercise less (like THAT'S possible), become addicted to heroin and microbe porno. Then it's hardly a win. Except for the Microbiological Adult Film Industry.

2009 should be an interesting year. Obama will take over the reigns of a country that W has left a shambles. Our economy is less than booming. I'm considering buying a midlife crisis car based on good city/highway mpg and versatility for a new family. Sigh.

My sons turn one year old. I turn 40. So, 2009 will be good & bad on the aging front. Btw, 40 ain't the new 20 or 30. It's ****ing 40 and always will be. Get over it.

There's nothing I despise more is the whole generation of "everyone's a winner" and that the includes boomers & post-boomers that say that their age is really the new younger age. Horsepoo. You're getting older, deal with it. And guess what? Losing is a good thing. You learn incredibly valuable lessons when you lose. If everyone's a winner, then everyone loses. There's the lesson.

What else to expect? I imagine all of the big problems we face will not surpass the little, irritating ones we forget a day or two later. You know, like ingrowing toenails. Diarrhea. Your credit card physically breaking. A windshield wiper falling apart during a snowstorm. A shopping cart dings your new car. Everyone else gets a break on their high interest mortgage except you. Bush is vindicated and turns out to be an excellent president in history books.

The little things.

New Lang Syne

If you haven't seen/heard Jim's Big Ego's song, "New Lang Syne", it is a moral imperative that you do so. Now.

http://www.bigego.com/index.php?page=video&category=01--JBE_Originals&display=689